Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Ain't No Mountain High Enough...

Erik and I sang that song aloud...really loud...about fifty or so times the week before he went off to the sand box, so now when I think of it and sing it, it makes me laugh and smile. (And the occasional tear wells up, but I shoo it away.) I really am handling this whole thing a lot better than I thought. To be completely honest, I feared that the moment I dropped him off I'd cling to his leg like a child as I crumpled against him on the ground and bawled my eyes out and sobbed loudly and leaked snot all over him. Instead, I cried, I held him close and made him promise me to come home safe, sound and in one piece. He did so, and then I pulled it together and we said our "I Love You"s and our "Good bye"s and I got in the car and came home. My friends I've made were here to greet me and comforted me and then the following week I did the same for them when their hubbies went off to join mine.
I thought perhaps that when the initial shock of this whole thing being real wore off that maybe the frazzled-scattered-what-was-I-just-doing/saying/thinking thing would wear off, but apparently that is not the case. My friend Heather here at "Fort Awesome" used the term "deployment brain" to describe it. We liken it to "mommy brain" of expecting/new mothers. Our thoughts are constantly everywhere, and for someone like me who is always focusing on now but also planning the next three to five steps in my mind at the same time, that is beyond not working out for me. I'm just not really sure how to be lost like this. I keep starting sentences and getting one word in then not remembering what I was going to say or even what had been discussed prior. I feel like a boxer who's had one too many blows to the head and is now suffering short term memory loss. Even writing this now, I feel like I should have taken notes or something. Surprisingly though it doesn't seem to be affecting my school work. Maybe that's because when I do my school work it's the one time I truly am trying to just think about one thing. Playing games, reading, watching television, buying groceries, any other time I'm thinking about my love and how he's doing and what he's thinking or seeing. Sometimes I think I'd like to enlist just so that I can get put in his unit and go with him and see for myself he's doing okay. Granted, then he'd be too worried about me to focus, but I'm sure it illustrates the point.
I can tell you one thing though: I feel blessed that we do not have a child and are not pregnant right now. I know this first time of me doing this is going to be too rough and I don't think I could have held it together and put brave face on for a baby right now. I'd have needed to go home and I didn't want to do that. I want to tough this out, and I know that I can. One day at a time, week by week, this is going to pass by and then things will be slightly sane again.
Ratatouille is on. I believe I'm going to go get a pen and markers and draw for my love and write him a letter.



  1. I was about to demand an update, since my phone is apparently against us talking, ha. I figured out what it is, btw. I randomly lose service. :/ they need to fix it.
    Deployment brain. Yes. It's a good thing you aren't dealing with it + mommy brain. It would be awful! It is awful, haha. I promise the fog will lift.

  2. I am glad to see you hanging in there with a positive perspective. From on army wife to another its gets easier, the first half is the worse and yes you will experience a very scattered brain but then he will be home for r & r and when he is about to leave to go back you will have that same feeling of dread but before you have the chance to blink he will be back again. Praying for you!


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