Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Friday, October 19, 2012

There's Only One Thing To Do. Three Words For You...

There is a saying I have heard often in life:
"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
The saying is an excerpt from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, and truth be told, my response to this was always, "How stupid can you be? That's ridiculous. There is no way I'd rather get hurt than just remain ignorant."
That is, until recently.
I have loved before, and I have been in love before. Clearly this is true, or I would never have been married.
But I believe wholeheartedly that in life, we love many, but only one love can make you feel a deep, inner fire.  It burns, but not in a roaring flame. Fires that roar and flare fade quickly as they use up all they have. No, this fire is a soft, warm glow. It is warm and soothing. It lights the way, but burns softly and lasts. It stays with you. The wood doesn't ash away, but is instead a charred remain so that if somehow the fire were to fade away, it would leave the scars of what had been.
I have a happiness as of late that I have truthfully never known. My life is in the most downward, depressing situation I have truthfully ever been in. I feel trapped. As if I am drowning. The optimism I always seemed to have was disappearing and the shadows of depression seemed to be dashing out each ray of sunshine that tried to find its way through. But for a time now, I never stay down long. It's as if the sadness that comes on me is washed away almost as quickly as it falls upon my shoulders and I am up and ready to carry on again.
I have never had this happiness...this inner joy...
Never have I been so open with my parents, especially my dad, about someone. I'm very...private. I keep most things that currently are happening in my life to myself. Things that have happened and are in the past are one thing, but current goings on, I always feel, are my business and I don't want to involve anyone else in it. Especially because I am so used to things coming up, then going away, whether for the better or the worse, so it seems a waste of time to involve others in my matters.
But my heart is bursting. This isn't the giddy, school-girl, puppy love. This is something I've never felt. There is passion, but there is also compassion. There is a desire to be happy, but more so to see him happy. There is fear, but not in him, instead in myself. And there is, instead of the attitude of "This is me, take me as I am," an attitude of "I am me, but will always be the best me for you I can be and ever strive to be better so that I, perhaps someday, may be good enough for you."
I hear his smile, his laugh, and I am overwhelmed with indescribable feelings. Even a passing thought of him or a reminder of something he has said causes a smile from ear to ear and a soft glow around me.
I do not know where this will go. I know I have had dreams of him. I know not a moment goes by that he doesn't cross my mind.
I am scared, but only because there is a lot of unknown that comes with this. I think all things in life have fear attached to them. This is one of them, but I know the fear isn't enough to stop me from feeling this way...even if this may not have been the best approach for telling him how I feel...I know that I think he knows me well enough by now to know that sometimes me and words...well, when they come together with my emotions, they don't always come out smoothly.
And I know that I finally understand that I would rather have known this feeling...felt this love for another person...than to have never had this at all.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Fathers and Mothers.

Parent. That word is a tough one. Dictionary definitions, though I have checked plenty of them, simply do not seem to fit it.

A parent is more than just the person who birthed you, adopted you, or fostered you. They are more than the person who provided you with a place to live as a child or who was responsible for you and your screw ups.  They're not the person who signs your progress reports. (Ask my cousin, I used to do that for him so that my mom and dad, who he lived with, wouldn't see the grades he really got!)
A parent is so much more than obligatory things. A parent goes more than just one step past those things. They take leaps and strides to be there for their children. Not to spoil them, but to be a shoulder for them to cry on, arms to hold them up when they are weak, a hand to help them when they fall.
My situation is not an ideal one. Not by far. When I was 18, I was in school, had a job, and saved money to get a car. When I was in school full time, I didn't work, when I was on breaks, I worked. I never was without income or without a car a day since turning 18 until I was forced to quit both school and work to have surgery. Surgery was a life or death necessity for me. My parents knew this, and took me back into their home and helped me during surgery and during recuperation. They did not pay my bills for me, but they gave me somewhere to stay, food to eat, and love and care I needed during a life-altering moment in my life.
After surgery, I tried to get back into school only to find out the school had decided me almost dying wasn't a good enough reason to drop the semester, and so to go back to school I'd have to pay them for the remainder of the semester. I didn't see how I'd ever save the money to go back. Income tax time came around, and my parents put me in the car with them and drove me to my school and wrote a check to pay off my debt. I re-enrolled and picked up where I had left off. I was so thankful for their sacrifice and that they would give up so much for me.
Now, as I feel my life has been reset, I see myself again as the 20 year old girl. Scared because life has been turned upside down, and though I am not dying, I feel like I am drowning. For the first time since being 18, I have no car for myself. I lost it because of a selfish decision by my ex husband. I have no job. Diligently looking and applying since February of this year has gotten me nowhere. I have no health insurance. I have bills coming in, and no way to pay them because the same selfish ex has decided to break court order and not repay me for the bills he ran up or for the car I gave away so that he could let our new one be repossessed.
And again, in the toughest time in my life, I have my parents. I have the people who provide me with anything they can. The people who, if they had the nickels and dimes to get me a car, would have. The people, who if they could pay off the bills I have so that I could stop crying, stop feeling sick to my stomach over each day that passes and draws closer to a due date on a bill, would do so in a heartbeat. Not to spoil me. Not because they want something easy for me. But because they love me. Because they care and they see the struggle, they see me each day and know what I do and what I struggle with. They know everything that has happened, that happens each day, and they know me better than anyone else.
I have wonderful parents. They have been here for me through thick and thin, and they continue to support me through everything. They bend over backwards for me and love me and do all they can for me. They have proven time and time again, they would give up for themselves to help me because I am their child.
That is why they are my parents.
That is what makes a parents.
Selfless, unending, undeniable love. Charity. Grace. Forgiveness.
I am thankful for my mom and dad.