Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Downfall of Social Etiquette...

Social networking sites are amazing and revolutionary. They aid families and friends in staying touch with one another, keeping up-to-date with news and in theory all of this is great and helpful. However, with all good ideas there are flaws.
In addition to staying in touch, you are also able to keep tabs, in addition to knowing news with your family, sometimes your family's news becomes public news because people do not draw a line between personal/private and public. Instead of remembering the age old rules of social etiquette where-in we do not spread our business or the fights we have between one another or involve other people, we now post them on these sites. We do it for different reasons: Some post their irritations with people because they can do it indirectly without directly pointing a finger but still getting their message across, some post to receive some sort of vindication because inevitably one person always agrees with you no matter how wrong you are, and some simply enjoy the dramatics that ensue. For whatever the reason, this seems commonplace on these social networks and so instead of being the peaceful means of finding loved ones and keeping in touch and showing we care, they become a place of public animosity and backhanded commentary.
Social networking sites aren't the only thing to blame, however. The cell phone is a culprit as well. I find myself guilty of using it as a means of getting things done, especially if I don't want roped into having to speak with someone. When did it become an inconvenience to socialize with my friends and family? When did having to make a five minute phone call become justifiably replaceable with a ten second text? Do I have sensitive vocal chords? Am I really so high and mighty that the chore of having to listen to someone's small talk before the actual message of intent for my call is delivered is unbearable?
And other than to Erik, I can not remember the last time I wrote someone a letter. A real letter. Not an email, not even a typed and printed letter, but instead sat down with a pen and paper and just wrote to someone.
I have to go check my email...heh.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

All I Know, All I Know, Love Will Save the Day...

I love Rory's puppy sad face she makes at me when I'm trying to do something like homework, cleaning or blogging. It's a face of "Why is this task more fun than the excitement of rubbing my belly?" It would be lovely if the entire world were so simple and innocent as that, my dear pup.
I've got alot on my mind today. I've got to do a lot of errands, to include picking up my friend Giselle from her class but I haven't heard from her yet. Now, this may seem silly, but that has me worried. I think I inherited extreme cautiousness from my dad. I remember my parents were always highly cautious to begin with, but it never bothered me. After my eldest sister was murdered though, the cautions were taken to a whole new level. My entire family sudden realized what it was like to lose someone from our lives entirely. I think and unspoken oath was passed knowingly among each of us at that moment to never let another one of us disappear. I now take that same precaution with all people in my life.
Even now, at the age of 23, if I am in a store with people and turn around to see them no longer behind me, a moment of utter fear and panic sets in and I have to go and look for them, or, should we have decided to separate to do our own shopping I feel the need to expedite my own shopping needs and hurry back to my companion. Erik doesn't understand why fully, but he sees that it is something that truly, deeply affects me so when he needs to go get a stick of deodorant or wants to pick up some more razor blades, he just leads me gently with him. The feeling of fear is always worse when I am in a place unfamiliar to me. For instance, when I go to Connecticut if my soon-to-be sister-in-law leaves a section of the store to go to another and I can't find her, I can't seem to rationalize that she will be fine and so will I and instead I will stop looking at whatever I was looking at and walk immediately to find her.
So as I sit here, worrying because I have not heard from Little G today and have not received a call to come get her, I rationalize that I am allowed to be worried. With her hubby deployed, she's been very sad and down and stressed with that, school and a broken down car. Am I overthinking things? Do I need to worry? The more important question to me is: Does it hurt anything to worry? Is there such a thing as being overly cautious? I don't hinder my life. I still have fun, I still do things, so why does it matter if I try to be more aware of my surroundings and more on my toes? Maybe it doesn't, but then why do I feel like people think something is wrong with me for worrying about myself and the ones I love?


Friday, April 15, 2011

It's The Sweetest Thing...

The house smells pretty awesome...The smell of fajita chicken, Spanish rice and beans (from two nights ago) and now the marinated, stuffed chicken thighs from this evening are wafting around mixed with the light sent of roses from my candle. The living room is lit dimly with the light of the lamp my love proffered from someone's curbside drop off and the candle is flickering softly. The television is on, but I'm really not paying much attention. I've been lying with my little puppy writing letters and sketching and thinking about how incredibly blessed I am.
Deployment is really a harsh mix of emotions. It sort of feels like my heart and mind are see-sawing, sometimes together, other times against each other. When I can speak with him I am elated that he's safe and sound and doing well. He feels like he is really fulfilling a purpose and that makes me swell up with pride and a deep inner joy. Other times though, like this past week where the contact was slightly more limited I felt hopeless and desperate. In fact, two nights ago I fell apart completely into a sobbing mess on our med screaming into my pillow. I broke. I finally let out what I kept holding back. Last night I needed to tell my friends here that I am not a rock or pillar. No matter how much I try, I am not truly stone, and beneath this shell is a big pile of mush that needs comfort and consolement and to release just as they do. I know they understood. One of them was so worried when I cried that she insisted on staying at my house with me, which in her present situation (midterms, no driver's license and a car that has decided to die for the fourth time in two months) I think may have been good for her as well.
Each day without a call, each missed instant message, each nightmare that sinks my heart is washed away by the crashing waves of love, passion and emotion when I do hear from him or when a song reminds me of him. When I look at photos of us together, my heart flutters. When I remember the press of his lips, the touch of his hands and the warmth of his embraces I can't imagine how I get by without him right now, but then I just remember that once time flies by and he returns, I'll get them all again.
I believe my chai tea is calling my name, as is my pen and sketch pad...


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

It's Been A While...

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I have commitment issues with these internet relationships, my dearest blog. I can't help it. Sometimes you just aren't top priority. It's not you, it's me! I just needed some space...
There, now that that's out of the way: Hello! With the hubs in the sand box and me doing classes and having house guests, which, regardless of how friendly we are I don't really like,  I've been a little overwhelmed. Once my guests had ventured off into their new home, it was coming up on Erik's and my second anniversary.
Our first anniversary, he was still in AIT so I flew to San Antonio and we got to spend a few hours together. This situation wasn't quite the same so I couldn't just pop up and see him. I waited all day hoping for a call or message which I think internally I knew wasn't going to come (which I in no way hold him responsible for, I know he's busy and I know how important it is to him and that he'd have been on all day if he could have been.) Regardless, by the end of the day after listening to our songs and looking at our pictures, I was pretty heartbroken and missing him. Luckily, my friends here came and kidnapped me. They took me to the restaurant Erik and I had been to for our Valentine's date. It's a hibachi grill. (One of those Japanese restaurants where they perform with your food while cooking it in front of you.)
I did a Sake shot which, combined with my martini, nearly knocked me on my butt, but it was fun. I couldn't stop thinking how I wished my hubby was there, but I feel like inside he'll be happy to know that the girls took me out and wouldn't let me sit around the house.
It's two days after my anniversary now, and of course with no word from him still and others from our brigade in the same situation, the rumors are soaring. I've had to silence a few and ease some minds as best I can. Its hard to make people understand that in some cases no news is good news. I'll just hope to hear from him sooner than later but know that if I hear nothing its better than hearing something sometimes.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Ain't No Mountain High Enough...

Erik and I sang that song aloud...really loud...about fifty or so times the week before he went off to the sand box, so now when I think of it and sing it, it makes me laugh and smile. (And the occasional tear wells up, but I shoo it away.) I really am handling this whole thing a lot better than I thought. To be completely honest, I feared that the moment I dropped him off I'd cling to his leg like a child as I crumpled against him on the ground and bawled my eyes out and sobbed loudly and leaked snot all over him. Instead, I cried, I held him close and made him promise me to come home safe, sound and in one piece. He did so, and then I pulled it together and we said our "I Love You"s and our "Good bye"s and I got in the car and came home. My friends I've made were here to greet me and comforted me and then the following week I did the same for them when their hubbies went off to join mine.
I thought perhaps that when the initial shock of this whole thing being real wore off that maybe the frazzled-scattered-what-was-I-just-doing/saying/thinking thing would wear off, but apparently that is not the case. My friend Heather here at "Fort Awesome" used the term "deployment brain" to describe it. We liken it to "mommy brain" of expecting/new mothers. Our thoughts are constantly everywhere, and for someone like me who is always focusing on now but also planning the next three to five steps in my mind at the same time, that is beyond not working out for me. I'm just not really sure how to be lost like this. I keep starting sentences and getting one word in then not remembering what I was going to say or even what had been discussed prior. I feel like a boxer who's had one too many blows to the head and is now suffering short term memory loss. Even writing this now, I feel like I should have taken notes or something. Surprisingly though it doesn't seem to be affecting my school work. Maybe that's because when I do my school work it's the one time I truly am trying to just think about one thing. Playing games, reading, watching television, buying groceries, any other time I'm thinking about my love and how he's doing and what he's thinking or seeing. Sometimes I think I'd like to enlist just so that I can get put in his unit and go with him and see for myself he's doing okay. Granted, then he'd be too worried about me to focus, but I'm sure it illustrates the point.
I can tell you one thing though: I feel blessed that we do not have a child and are not pregnant right now. I know this first time of me doing this is going to be too rough and I don't think I could have held it together and put brave face on for a baby right now. I'd have needed to go home and I didn't want to do that. I want to tough this out, and I know that I can. One day at a time, week by week, this is going to pass by and then things will be slightly sane again.
Ratatouille is on. I believe I'm going to go get a pen and markers and draw for my love and write him a letter.