Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Do you wake up on your own, and wonder where you are? You wake up with all your faults....

I have said it before, and I will say it again. As funny as the statement sounds, I mean it wholeheartedly:
Something about having a vagina makes this gender take life way too seriously.
So many women nitpick, overanalyze, pick apart and overthink each and every thing another person does. There is no "innocent until proven guilty," instead its "guilty and sentenced until you've got one hell of an appeal."
I'm thankful I'm not normally this way. Admittedly, we ALL have our moments, but until there is something truly worth taking note of and it included a stack of evidence I can't ignore, I'm pretty much down to pull the hat back over my face and go back to napping on the porch swing.
As a previously married woman, I've been in or around enough groups of women discussing their marriages woes (which 90% of the time are more like marriage whines) to know that women are extremely critical of their spouses and especially their spouses interactions with others of the feminine species.
Newsflash, ladies: Men are almost completely oblivious that a woman is flirting with them until her clothes are coming off.
Therefore, they don't care that Secretary Slutty and PFC Bimbo are flirting with them. They don't notice, and they don't care. They're at work. Working. And when they get home and check Facebook or email or their phone? Men aren't like us. They don't think "Whoa whoa WHOA. Why is this person adding me/messaging me? What are their motives? Huh? HUH?!"
Nope. Thaaat's just us. This is my artistic rendering of what I see happening:

(Link to the full image here.)

Moral of the story: Don't be a crazy person. There are something you just need to let slide. If something really is up, it will become apparent, but digging, prying, and making somethings out of nothings only leads to dissension. Trust, love, and grow. Don't be silly.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Chances Thrown, Nothing's Free, Longing For What Used To Be...

This blog is a little jumpy and short, but forgive me. I've been pretty sick and I'm a little scatterbrained. Bear with me..

The idea of being a stay-at-home mother, for some reason, seems to be looked down on heavily anymore. I'll be honest: I can think of nothing I would rather be.
For those who don't know, I have no children. I don't even have a husband anymore, really, unless you count the guy that, for some reason, doesn't want to be married to me but still doesn't sign divorce papers...but I digress.
I want to have children. I want atleast 2, and sometimes I have moments where I think "the more the merrier."
I want to be able to be home with my kids, though.  I think their are some fundamental benefits to being home with your children before they are of school age and then being with them or there for them when they are in school.
I want the ability to make them breakfasts, pack them lunches, have after-school snacks waiting, and make them dinner, put them to bed everynight.  I want to be their homework-helper and their confidant. I want to be able to go and have lunch with them during the day if they ask me to, or go on their field trips with them. My parents were never the chaperones, but I always felt lucky to be friends with the kid whose parent was. We got to have more fun. We felt like we were on our own trip.
I want to know what is going on in the lives of my children. I want to be more involved and be there when they are sick. I don't want to have a child who I have to catch up with when I'm home from work.
And most importantly, I remember the years when my parents both worked and I came home to an empty house. I was lonely, whether I admitted it or not, and of course I wasn't allowed to go out and do anything until they were home, so I felt like I missed out. I had to grow up faster, which I never regret, but occasionally I wonder if I missed things.
If my parents could live with eight children on one income, and they are all the more happier for how things happened now, 30 years later (almost 31) then I have full faith I could do the same.
There are sacrifices that happen either way, but I'd rather sacrifice the newest toys and gadgets than sacrifice crucial times in the developmental years of my children. 

Sunday, July 15, 2012

24 Oceans with 24 Hearts, 24 Symphonies with 24 Parts, Life is Not What I Thought It Was 24 Hours Ago...

Yesterday was my last day being a 24 year old woman. Yep. That's right. Ol' Fae Fae's got a quarter century under her belt.
Today was very sobering. Everything within the last year sort of played through my mind. There was so much bad, but the good things from it I am clinging tightly to and looking to God to keep my spirits up and trust that He will never give me more than I can handle, though I question sometimes why He seems to think I can handle so much. I don't think I can, but I haven't broken yet, so as usual, He is right and I am wrong.
Over the course of a year, I have lost my home, my car, my husband, my job, all of my furniture, a lot of my dishes, anything I'd had to celebrate holidays. All of the important things I have are tucked away in storage that I constantly fear I may never retrieve. I was forced to move away from the friends I had made and the place I had come to love. My entire life has been altered. Additionally, after having to move home, I lost one of my closest friends who called me his "sister" and whom I called my brother because two punk wanna-be thugs wanted to know what it was like to kill someone.
My heart has been toyed with, bounced around and broken. My strength has faltered, and the person I used to be has begun to fade into someone who's a little more rough around the edges. True that I'm walked on less, but I miss the innocence I used to have when I entered into relationships with people.
Thankfully, the silver linings in this have been able to keep me going:
I still maintain friendships with the important people I met in New York.
I have a new sister-in-law.
I went on a cruise for the first time. Saw the Virgin Islands and the Bahamas.
I tried foods I had only ever dreamed I'd actually get a chance to try.
I made closer friends, and realized the ones I could do without.
I finally met me nephew, Justus.
I loved and lost, but lived.
I finished school.
I am alive.

Hello, 25. I'm here now and I am ready for you. Bring on this near year of my life. I've got this.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Little Man You're Nothing Like Me, Lying Cheating So Deceiving, I Trusted You, Broke Me Down, And You Screwed Me Over...

Marriage. Defined in one of the many definitions from the Random House dictionary, is defined as follows: "the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of two people to live as a married couple"

However, sadly, divorce rates in our country are obnoxiously high. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce. From what I can gather, there are two main reasons for this.

First of all, we are part of the "Have It Your Way" generation. Thanks to BK for the title, its a generation of give-me-give-me and takers. We are out for ourselves, and other people fall by the wayside to our own wants and selfishness. And, as children, more-so they our generation and these after mine have been taught that no doesn't really mean no. It simply means you should keep asking until you get what you want because someone will give in when they feel sorry for you.
Little Timmy's green race car with the flashing lights and noises isn't working anymore? It could be a quick fix...but I'd have to pull it apart or look up how to fix it or get help fixing it. I'll just go spend the 20 dollars to pick up a new one on the way home.
That same attitude is too often thrown about in relationships. Instead of putting in the effort to fix our problems, we abandon the life-partnership we agreed to. Counseling is hard. It takes time. And feelings. Who wants to go through that? Its quicker just to go pay a few hundred (or thousand) dollars and divorce the old battle axe and move on to greener pastures.

The second problem, recorded on divorce filings as the reason for approximately 20-30% of all divorces: Marital Infidelity. (For those of the "Kronk no like big words :(" Club, that means cheating.)

Statistics from research in 2009 show that 37% of men and 22% of women admit to having affairs. Experts believe this number to be much higher, but believe the shame and guilt attached to the act cause them to hide it even in anonymous polls. They also believe that those admitting their affairs are only admitting the the affairs that they deem in their minds to be legitimate affairs. For men, physical encounters of a sexual nature are seen as an affairs, whereas less than 50% of men acknowledge online affairs as a form of adultery. Women admit more freely to emotional affairs being part of the equation.
Men seeking extramarital affairs most often note never having an intention of pursuing a lasting relationship with their mistresses, as can be indicated by statistics showing that less than 2% of extramarital affairs lead to marriage, and 70% of the relationships that are products of affairs, including the time of the affair, last one year or less.  And in the 2% who do marry? 75% of these marriages end in divorce.

Now then, I say all this not to defend cheating at all, but instead to point out that its become something that society seems to want us to all lay down and accept. I read recently on a discussion on Facebook where someone said "Divorce is a part of marriage."  My response: What a load of crap. If divorce is a part of marriage, can someone please explain to me why it is that for centuries, divorces weren't handed out like Halloween candy like they are today? Oh. I know. Because people didn't just get them so easily, people were encouraged to keep true to their spouses, to be kind and loving partners to their other half, and divorces actually required reasoning and work to get. You couldn't just walk in, sign a paper and scribble down "because I don't like him/her anymore" as your reasoning for destroying something you promised to keep sacred for a lifetime.

The problem is, that people enter a marriage with the facade of wanting to live for another person and to join together as one and truly love and honor and cherish, but in reality, they just want the perks. I have yet to truly understand why it is that my ex decided it would be a good idea to get married if it wasn't really what he wanted, however, I am sure of one this: I feel no sympathy for ending my marriage to him for his infidelity and his lack of desire to fix our marriage.

"Don't you feel bad for them?"
"You loved them. You're still married/you were married to them."
"I feel like I owe him/her."
"I don't want them to suffer or struggle."
"I feel bad for...."

Please. Give me a break.  I'm about to go ice queen here for a second, so bear with me.

I never wanted to go through a divorce. I entertained, for quite some time, the idea of remaining single in order to avoid divorce. I even confessed this to my ex when we first got together. He said he felt the same. That his mother's infidelity to his father had ruined his family and his outlook of women and marriage. Somehow, however, we both grew to want that together. We both entered the marital contract together. We stepped into it. Became a married couple and agreed to act as such.

Some time after that, apparently for one of us the lines became blurred. My husband chose to act as a single entity, with no regard for myself. He severed his matrimonial bonds in his mind and heart to me, and thus declared himself single.
This, therefore, is my true feelings, perhaps a theory, on how I feel I am allowed to feel as are others, when this happens:
Your ex, in taking action to act as a single person, ended your relationship/marriage. They chose to act as a single individual, and thus, your responsibility to that person as the other half of that relationship is severed. You owe them NOTHING.
I hear over and over these tales of people sticking it out and helping with bills or a cell phone or a car that their ex now uses to call other people, see other people, or live with other people. Why are you helping them? Why are you hurting yourself more by aiding them in what originally caused the end of your marriage/relationship? Are you dense?
While spitting fire in rage once, I am quoted as saying this: I have NO sympathy for my ex husband. If he were dying of thirst, I wouldn't have my boyfriend ejaculate in a cup for him to drink to quench his thirst.

Yeah. I went there. Take that visualization and enjoy it. Someone who has no disregard for the callous disposal of a loved one and the life they built together is of no use to me. Statistics don't make it acceptable, they simply point out that more people do wrong than right.

Be the exception, not the rule.
Be the minority.

These Foolish Games Are Tearing Me, Tearing Me, Tearing Me Apart...

Admittedly, I've had a lot of ups and downs over the last year. Seems a lot more downs, but I'm an eternal optimist, so my brain keeps telling me to shut up and quit whining.
I had dating profiles up for a while after my separation. I was encouraged to give a few different sites a shot. For those who have tried these sites and had success: Truthfully, I am happy for you. But for myself, I think I've had bad experience after bad experience. I've had three scenarios, though the first two are most common.
Scenario 1: Man says he is looking for a serious relationship, talks to me briefly, then immediately begins firing off what I assume he believes to be clever sexually-aimed questions and soon makes it clear how "important sex is to a relationship" and how "physical intimacy is a must" yadda yadda, and admittedly, I'm very sexually-oriented myself, but please. I wasn't born yesterday, and when you're trying to get me to tell you how I like sex the first day we talk, you can go away. Far away. Forever. *blocked*
Scenario 2: Really nice guy. OVERLY nice guy. Wants to buy me things (which makes me feel awkward) and take me places (also weird) and clings super fast. Mentions marriage day one. Then again day two with me definitely being part of the equation. And then when I stop texting, he starts getting needier and a little creeper-ish, then suddenly picks up on the creeper hint and ends things with first, an apologetic I'm-a-creeper text, followed by an angry text if I don't respond to the admittance.  *blocked*
Then there is scenario three. I've had this 3 times now.  I think this one seems to effect me the most.
It starts out with a normal guy. Sweet, but not overly. Funny, intelligent. Attractive and seems to think I am too, which I am thankful for. Things start off slowly then pick up. The mutual attraction is there, the flaws are noted, but don't outweigh the good for either of us, and we seem to click. We talk more and more, and talking or seeing each other becomes a sweet addiction. Its sort of like I get this momentary boost, this glimpse into something I have wanted all along and truly do want now more than ever. It all seems like its falling into place and I'm happy, but before too long, something happens and I realize it was all a fallacy and I put my heart out there and its handed back to me like change from a cashier. Whatever was left that they didn't need, they tossed back my way.
And I guess the problem is now, its like a knee-jerk reaction. I see a small hint that that scenario might be coming, and I just start to shut down. To pull away. I put the M&Ms back and decide to keep my dollar instead of the M&Ms. Those are temporary, they don't leave me fulfilled, and I don't want to keep carrying around change. I'd rather just keep the dollar.
I want scenario 3 to work out, but it feels like it never will. Just feels like I'm a temporary fix until the good stuff comes along. I'm putting dollars in the piggy bank to invest, but I don't see that the other side of the piggy bank, they've smashed in and are using the dollars to buy their own dreams and leave me behind.
I'm tired of being a backup plan. I want to be the master plan.