Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Living Just Isn't Hard Enough, Burn Me Alive Inside...

I believe wholeheartedly sometimes that indifference is a blessing. The ability to decide not to care about something is great.  The miracle of being able to reach inside to where the Give-A-Damn is located and turn it off and on is something I will not take for granted, especially not now.
I don't know why it is that somehow when you are already in the middle of one of the, if not the, most stressful situations of your lifetime that people decided to toss a few more logs on the fire. Let me explain something: When there is a towering inferno before you and you choose to throw a little accelerant on it, don't be so surprised when you get sucked in then blown back out as a mess of melted flesh and ash.
With all life's daily reminders,  I am constantly on edge when I know things have gone sour. He's been gone all this time and things aren't how anyone expected. All the months I waited, not in fear for what happened, but instead with the constant fear of his life, but also of his mental and emotional capacity to handle everything he had seen. The last thing I was thinking about was how he had forgotten about the wife sitting at home and waiting for him. The same wife sending him love and care packages, waiting around the clock for his messages or for him to show as online. Waiting anxiously and excitedly on edge for R&R to come. But then the world came crashing down around me, and I'm hurt, sure, but that hurt is a boiling pit of anger inside of me, and I can feel it there beneath the surface all of the time and then this need to stifle it takes over because i have no desire to take those emotions out on people who don't deserve it or hurt their feelings or distribute my toxic hatred.
Its hard to make people understand sometimes that I have my own issues, my own problems, and though they don't seem significant or important to you, they are to me. To me, my life is on reboot, but keeps kicking back to the loading screen instead of visibly moving forward, and telling me how many more things need to be done on the computer when it loads isn't helping me load it, it's just making me more angry and more frustrated that the thing isn't loading.
I am a big kid. I am fully aware of what needs to happen for my life to more forward from here. Guess what? I'm trying. I am working on it. I am doing what I can, and maybe I'm not sprinting toward the finish line, but that's because someone came up and kicked me and knocked all the wind out of me. I need to walk it off and catch my breath, have a drink of water, and then when I'm back and ready to run again, I will. I just need the time and the space and the support. Sometimes the best support isn't constant reminders of what I need to do, but instead a kind word saying "I know this sucks, but you're going to be fine."

Sunshine, Won't You Be My Mother? Sunshine, Come and Help Me Sing...

Things are so simple as a child.
I look out the window in front of me to admire the bright sunshine oozing in and feel the cool breeze from all the wind outside. Yesterday it was so dark and grey and stormy, but the winds remain today even in the sunlight.
I think to myself that a walk to the park and some time on the swings would be nice, but then I think it may feel breezy in here, but outside I can see the wind whipping the branches and tree tops around. I realize I will be cold and the wind will blow my clothes and my hair around. Any car that passes will add to that and if I am gone after dark, I will immediately regret the decision as I walk faster home because I will be shivering. (I am always cold.)
But then I see past the tree to the children down the road in their front yard playing. Are they worried about any of those things? Of course not. Did they have a second thought? No. They threw their shoes and shorts on and ran smiling into the sunlight. No regrets, no concerns.  They simply wanted to enjoy the sun as opposed to the confinement they faced yesterday to their home that felt like a prison of no fun as the hail beat down on the siding and shingles.
Maybe we should all take advice from the children and run smiling into the sunlight sometimes.