Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

When He's Gone...

It's truly hard to explain all the feelings you experience when your soldier is away. I'd dare to say the description is impossible. There are so many mixed feelings and sometimes they come all at once. Other times one of them consumes you entirely.
Sadness and loneliness come together. They hang around constantly, whether consciously or subconsciously. Distractions help, but even then a random sound or smell or taste can remind you of him and you'll break.
Nights are worst for me. I change by myself with no one watching so that I feel shy. Even though we're married I still hide or change quickly like he's never seen me naked before. I walk through the house to check the locks and lights alone. Since I'm afraid of the dark, this job isn't just lonely, it's a little unnerving. When I brush my teeth the other half of the mirror is empty and I have no one to compete with over whose turn it is to spit in the sink. And then comes the bed. The big empty side of it that looks undisturbed. The pillows that haven't moved and are still fluffed up with no dent from his head resting on them. Sleep is nearly impossible without the sound of his breaths or the warmth of him radiating to me below the sheets.
Then there's the jealousy. Everyone around you is with their spouse. Why does your spouse have to go but not theirs? And why do some people whine about being away from each other a day/week/month when you are away from him for a year at a time? That's not fair. He works so hard and we can't even be home.
Then there's the paranoia. "Does he even miss me?"  "Is he really busy or does he just not want to talk?"  "What does he mean he's "too tired" to talk? and so many more ridiculous questions that you don't need to ask. You're married. It's not like he's going to run off with someone else, so stop stressing. I give myself these speeches constantly but its apparently in vain because a little while later I'm back to the same questions.
The not often mentioned "at least I have the house to myself" syndrome which is quickly followed by guilt. Everyone needs alone time. We all need breaks to just do something alone. There is no reason to feel guilty about that. We have hard jobs as wives regardless of what some people think or say, and we need breaks too. Now I know we don't want or need a twelve month break or even a two week break, but at the same time there are times when you find yourself thinking "Its nice to be able to just sit back alone and read a book."

I'm nodding off, everyone. My melatonin must be working because I'm quite tired. I'll continue tomorrow.

Fae Fae

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