Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Friday, July 13, 2012

These Foolish Games Are Tearing Me, Tearing Me, Tearing Me Apart...

Admittedly, I've had a lot of ups and downs over the last year. Seems a lot more downs, but I'm an eternal optimist, so my brain keeps telling me to shut up and quit whining.
I had dating profiles up for a while after my separation. I was encouraged to give a few different sites a shot. For those who have tried these sites and had success: Truthfully, I am happy for you. But for myself, I think I've had bad experience after bad experience. I've had three scenarios, though the first two are most common.
Scenario 1: Man says he is looking for a serious relationship, talks to me briefly, then immediately begins firing off what I assume he believes to be clever sexually-aimed questions and soon makes it clear how "important sex is to a relationship" and how "physical intimacy is a must" yadda yadda, and admittedly, I'm very sexually-oriented myself, but please. I wasn't born yesterday, and when you're trying to get me to tell you how I like sex the first day we talk, you can go away. Far away. Forever. *blocked*
Scenario 2: Really nice guy. OVERLY nice guy. Wants to buy me things (which makes me feel awkward) and take me places (also weird) and clings super fast. Mentions marriage day one. Then again day two with me definitely being part of the equation. And then when I stop texting, he starts getting needier and a little creeper-ish, then suddenly picks up on the creeper hint and ends things with first, an apologetic I'm-a-creeper text, followed by an angry text if I don't respond to the admittance.  *blocked*
Then there is scenario three. I've had this 3 times now.  I think this one seems to effect me the most.
It starts out with a normal guy. Sweet, but not overly. Funny, intelligent. Attractive and seems to think I am too, which I am thankful for. Things start off slowly then pick up. The mutual attraction is there, the flaws are noted, but don't outweigh the good for either of us, and we seem to click. We talk more and more, and talking or seeing each other becomes a sweet addiction. Its sort of like I get this momentary boost, this glimpse into something I have wanted all along and truly do want now more than ever. It all seems like its falling into place and I'm happy, but before too long, something happens and I realize it was all a fallacy and I put my heart out there and its handed back to me like change from a cashier. Whatever was left that they didn't need, they tossed back my way.
And I guess the problem is now, its like a knee-jerk reaction. I see a small hint that that scenario might be coming, and I just start to shut down. To pull away. I put the M&Ms back and decide to keep my dollar instead of the M&Ms. Those are temporary, they don't leave me fulfilled, and I don't want to keep carrying around change. I'd rather just keep the dollar.
I want scenario 3 to work out, but it feels like it never will. Just feels like I'm a temporary fix until the good stuff comes along. I'm putting dollars in the piggy bank to invest, but I don't see that the other side of the piggy bank, they've smashed in and are using the dollars to buy their own dreams and leave me behind.
I'm tired of being a backup plan. I want to be the master plan.


  1. Wow! I haven't read a blog in a while. Very interesting. I'm sure that no feedback is necessary but i wanted to say a couple of things. 1, i'm sure you know by now that dating sites are lame. Usually the people on them are just desperate, extremely lonely or social deviants trying to take advantage of the first 2. You do have the occasional person who is just on there because the losers in their town are all they seem to run into and come with hope that these commercials hype can come through on their promises. The problem is that sifting through these affore-mentioned people, that it's just like trying to meet people in the real world. The difference is in the real world there's slightly less of a veil on the person you just met. I for one think you are incredibly attractive. You are funny as hell, which is the reason i friend requested you in the first place. And you really intelligent. You have a lot going for you and someone is gonna realize that and recognize you for the catch that you are and never throw you back. Just be patient. Good things come to good people when you least expect it.

  2. Ok, you know how much I love you girly, know that you are in a Master Plan...the plan of the number One Master! Our Lord! Praying for you every day! :)


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