fear: noun [feer] a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid
I don't remember the last time I was truly afraid of something. I mean there are always spiders. Creepy little eight legged hell-spawn beasts that the world would be better off without. My world would, at least. Anyway. Point being: I'm not usually scared of much. I'm fairly laid back. I voice my opinions, but for the most part I'm the sit back and watch the world come to me type.
However, my life is taking a new turn. My divorce will be finalized sometime soon, most likely. That's enough fear on its own, but on top of that, within the last month I was told by two doctors (my primary care provider, and now an ENT,) that I need to have a biopsy done because they found "an abnormality" behind my right tonsil.
I'm not a doctor, so when people ask "what sort of abnormality" my response in my head is "Oh, let me pull out my big book of doctor crap since, you know, I'm a doctor." But instead I simply say "I don't know. That's what I'm waiting to find out." I've got surgery scheduled to have my tonsils taken out. My biopsy will be done when they send my tonsils off, and they will let me know what happens.
I constantly resist the urge to Google tonsil biopsies and relates searches. I have decided that I have no desire to instill more fear in myself. Once I am done with my divorce, I won't have health insurance anymore, so I see no point in worrying about it.
There is a lot of fear, but I'm fighting to overcome the fear with despondence and a pinch of hope.
My optimism hangs by a thread some days anymore, and I don't need help to weaken that little grasp it has left.I've adopted an attitude of numbness to a lot of things, and it doesn't make me happy, but sometimes it makes things less hurtful and less stressful.
I suppose that atleast if I feel fear, I feel something
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