Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I've Been Keeping My Eyes...Wide...Open...

So. For those who can't read dates, its been...hmm... over 8 months since my last post. You see, somewhere around the time of my last post, my life began to slowly fall apart. My (soon-to-be ex) husband, Erik, lost his second wedding ring since we've been married. He began accusing me of cheating on him. He began making me feel bad over anything he could whatsoever. I refrained from throwing back accusations at him. I refrained from holding up the "Hello, second wedding ring lost?"-card. I even caught myself before the "May I remind you that you have only called me -once- your entire deployment?" slipped out of my mouth. I essentially tried all I could to take all the blame. I separated myself from my male friends. I dove further into my studies and the constant verbal chastisement from the person who was supposed to be building me up began breaking me down. I finally broke down and sought help. I began to see an MFLC (Military Family Life Counselor.) It was the first time in my life I'd opted to talk to someone about how I was feeling. When I was in middle school and high school, because I was in the gifted programs, they'd sort of just spring them on you. But this time, I was the one making the call. I was the one admitting I felt like I was drowning.
So I went.
Two sessions in, I had uncovered our relationship from beginning to end. All the things I kept wrapped up. All the things I pushed to the back of the closet in order to remain loyal, faithful and loving to him and to keep people from thinking anything of him other than that he was the perfect husband. I found out, though it hurt and was hard to swallow, that I was in a cycle of emotional abuse and controlling behavior. I found out things about myself as well. I am a people pleaser. I bend and bend until I break or someone breaks me, and even then, broken, I still try to pick the pieces of and bend them too. My MFLC, Dave, was very worried for me because apparently my personality and that of an abuser often lead to cyclical relationships where I would repeatedly take my abuser back no matter what had happened because I would want to believe they had changed. I realized very quickly this must be atleast partly true because the longest relationship of my lifetime was with someone who had these same qualities and I did just that. Repeatedly bent to his will, took him back, and did whatever he wanted.
The problem with wanting to see people happy is that sometimes you forget about yourself. You forget that you also need to be happy and healthy. I recalled through counseling, the deeper we dug, the times I'd forgotten that I'd given something up or turned something down in order to appease. I forgot all of the times my feelings were disregarded and I was told I was being ridiculous or over-emotional even when I wasn't. And suddenly all the signed pointing to huge issues in my marriage were becoming all too clear. Why didn't the man I loved take time to call me when deployed? Why did he have time to reinstall WoW and play, but not to Skype with me? Why was I sending 3-4 boxes a month, sometimes more, and yet still being told I was doing nothing to show I care?
I admit, even now, I still ask these questions. I wonder many times, if I could have done something differently, but I realize in my heart it was not me. It was his dissatisfaction that led to what happened next.
I will spare you the gory details, but after 17 hours in a car, then 2 hours of sleep, I awoke to find out that the person I'd been with the last three years, married for 2.5 of them, had been cheating on me. More and more women were piling before my eyes, more and more evidence, and with each one, I was more sick to my stomach, more angry, more tears burns in my eyes and more hurt was building in my heart. Finally, I snatched the dogtags off my neck, the ring off my finger and I hurled them across our house.
Blatant lies, excuses, and a flood of nasty emails came my way, then they'd follow soon after with apologies and "I Love You"s and I'd realized it was all happening. The cycle. I wasn't going to put myself through it. I made one offer: See your family for R&R. I can not see you. I'm hurt. I'm angry. Go see them, and then when you're home for good, we can go to counseling.
"If you can't see me over R&R, then we're done."
And so we were.  I have not seen Erik since November of 2011. I hope never to again. I am thankful we have no children, and I am thankful it happened before I wasted anymore time with someone for whom my heart was not enough. On Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2012, I filed divorce papers. I sold all of our personal belongings and some of the furniture and things we had accrued together in the marriage in able to afford to move away from the home we had shared and to file for divorce. I am thankful I finished school before this happened, and more thankful that I have the support of friends and family. My heart breaks when I realize I am 24 and already going to be divorced. I have added to a statistic that I feared all of my life being a part of. But at the same time, I find happiness and release in knowing that somewhere in this world someday I will find the person who needs and wants me as much as I need and want them.
This was a life lesson and a stepping stone.
I am not broken. I am not damaged goods. I don't have baggage.
I am human.


  1. I love you and pray for you daily! You are missed!

  2. I love you, Fae. I know the road ahead won't be the easiest, but at least you won't have to walk it with someone constantly trying to beat you down.

  3. I just read this. You're so much better than that. You know that. <3


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