Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Found The Reason For Me, To Change Who I Used To Be, The Reason To Start Over New...And The Reason Is You...

I openly and earnestly admit that I am far from perfect. I will be the first to admit this to anyone. I'm pretty fond of myself, however. I have a great personality. I tend to be pretty damn hilarious. I love people and I love to make them smile and laugh. I love to do things for other people. My counselor says this makes me a people pleaser. He says contrary to it sounding good in theory, it isn't. I have an inner need that, though it is to please others, is also self-sacrificing and self-harming. I bend until I break. I fold to others in order to make myself not have to deal with hurting, angering, upsetting, or even slightly displeasing the people around me.
Or atleast I did.
Don't get me wrong, I still do, however, a new me has emerged with this one. I'm not as fond of her, but its a truth I must admit that she is there.
I have no trust in men now. I've always been far more trusting of the male friends and family in my life than the females. Women turn on one another so quickly and over such petty matters, that I was always more comfortable with the men who, if they had a problem with you, told you. Women were nice to your face, then cut you to shreds behind your back.
But now? No. The new part of me that is blossoming has her own views on things, and she will express them now:
Men aren't to be trusted. Men lie. They want you for selfish reasons. Sex isn't necessarily the only selfish motivator as one might assume. There are others. Some men want mothered. Some want spoiled and pampered. I'm not here for those things. I'm not here to do that anymore.
Men will get what they want from you, and then they will move on to bigger and better things. (Or atleast what they perceive to be bigger and better.)
Sure, on rare occasion you might even find a man who likes you a lot and does sweet things for you and appreciates all that kindness you show, but eventually, it wears off. The newness of you wears off, and all that you do for them is taken for granted. You're no longer a hot commodity, you're an indentured servant and its expected of you. When you don't do those things you do out of love, gratitude and kindness, you'll be interrogated, belittled or beaten down emotionally. You'll be deemed useless and no longer of need to them because they'll decide you aren't doing anything that special anymore. What used to make them feel adored and show them how dear they are to you, they now feel entitled to.
So its easier to keep them away. Hold your arm straight out and keep them at your fingertips. Does it make you cold? Yes. Does it make it easier? Nope. Does it allow you to heal? Not really. But does it hurt less? Hell yes.
That's the new me. The one I've been fighting to keep away. That's how my heart is trying to harden itself, and part of me feels it almost make sense. The logic is there. The words make sense when I see them and reread them and hear myself in my head saying them. Hell, I can even feel my heart saying "No pain? I'm down for that." But I know better. I know not all men can be that way, don't I? I know men who are good men. They're married and still love and care about their wives. They might slip up and make a mistake every once in a while, but clearly they aren't these monsters I keep finding right?
I'm in a battle with myself all of the time trying to find a way to heal, trying to stop hurting and trying to keep from hurting others. I want to remain true to myself and to my heart, but sometimes the easier road with less bumps and bruises feels more like the decision I wish I'd take.


  1. It'll take time. You just need to give yourself time. Be angry. Keep men at a distance. Do what you have to. But, in time, you won't feel so angry anymore, and you'll feel more like yourself, even though, certain things will definitely not be the same. There will be some growth there that will make you a better you.

  2. Hurting is part of life.
    Although, we don't like too be hurt or hurt others; how would we know when the positive times come if we didn't have negative times?
    This in time will pass. It'll be a bad nightmare that you have awakened from to find your Knight in shining armor waiting to sweep you off your feet.
    I once stood in your shoes. I hated it when I was going through the negative times. Perseverance paid off!! I now have the man of my dreams and my soul mate. I can attest that some things are worth the wait.
    Love ya *hugs*

  3. I already told you my thoughts. My ex started looking around for something else within days of me not getting $3000 a month paychecks. It hurts, but you'll heal, and you'll still be just as awesome. Take your time, all good things and all that.

  4. In the mean time; hey, you have awesome friends, right? :p

  5. the pain will go away trust me my ex hurt me with his words and hands then i said i have had it and left i cryed almost every night thinks will i ever find mr right then came along my fiance when i was not even looking for a guy he told he was no going anywhere and has been my rock ever since you will find that guy you can call your rock one thing i can say is dont go looking for mr wrong cuz mr right is looking for you.


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