Side Note:

Side Note:
For those who haven't figured it out, or haven't been here: The titles of most of the blogs here are song lyrics. If you google them, it should take you to the song and the song is good to listen to before, during, or after reading to help set the tone of the blog. I find music to be very cohesive with reading and writing.

Friday, October 19, 2012

There's Only One Thing To Do. Three Words For You...

There is a saying I have heard often in life:
"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
The saying is an excerpt from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, and truth be told, my response to this was always, "How stupid can you be? That's ridiculous. There is no way I'd rather get hurt than just remain ignorant."
That is, until recently.
I have loved before, and I have been in love before. Clearly this is true, or I would never have been married.
But I believe wholeheartedly that in life, we love many, but only one love can make you feel a deep, inner fire.  It burns, but not in a roaring flame. Fires that roar and flare fade quickly as they use up all they have. No, this fire is a soft, warm glow. It is warm and soothing. It lights the way, but burns softly and lasts. It stays with you. The wood doesn't ash away, but is instead a charred remain so that if somehow the fire were to fade away, it would leave the scars of what had been.
I have a happiness as of late that I have truthfully never known. My life is in the most downward, depressing situation I have truthfully ever been in. I feel trapped. As if I am drowning. The optimism I always seemed to have was disappearing and the shadows of depression seemed to be dashing out each ray of sunshine that tried to find its way through. But for a time now, I never stay down long. It's as if the sadness that comes on me is washed away almost as quickly as it falls upon my shoulders and I am up and ready to carry on again.
I have never had this happiness...this inner joy...
Never have I been so open with my parents, especially my dad, about someone. I'm very...private. I keep most things that currently are happening in my life to myself. Things that have happened and are in the past are one thing, but current goings on, I always feel, are my business and I don't want to involve anyone else in it. Especially because I am so used to things coming up, then going away, whether for the better or the worse, so it seems a waste of time to involve others in my matters.
But my heart is bursting. This isn't the giddy, school-girl, puppy love. This is something I've never felt. There is passion, but there is also compassion. There is a desire to be happy, but more so to see him happy. There is fear, but not in him, instead in myself. And there is, instead of the attitude of "This is me, take me as I am," an attitude of "I am me, but will always be the best me for you I can be and ever strive to be better so that I, perhaps someday, may be good enough for you."
I hear his smile, his laugh, and I am overwhelmed with indescribable feelings. Even a passing thought of him or a reminder of something he has said causes a smile from ear to ear and a soft glow around me.
I do not know where this will go. I know I have had dreams of him. I know not a moment goes by that he doesn't cross my mind.
I am scared, but only because there is a lot of unknown that comes with this. I think all things in life have fear attached to them. This is one of them, but I know the fear isn't enough to stop me from feeling this way...even if this may not have been the best approach for telling him how I feel...I know that I think he knows me well enough by now to know that sometimes me and words...well, when they come together with my emotions, they don't always come out smoothly.
And I know that I finally understand that I would rather have known this feeling...felt this love for another person...than to have never had this at all.

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