I had a dream last night about my soon-to-be ex-husband. I had a dream he had, for some reason, come down to where I am to visit and hang out and was in complete denial of ever receiving divorce papers. He was shocked to see me without my wedding ring and instead wearing a ring on my right hand that, for some reason in the dream wasn't the eternity ring my biological mother gave me, but was intead a ring promising to move on and he somehow knew it. He grabbed my hand and tried to look at it and I pulled away and asked him not to touch me, and then left an envelope with divorce papers for him and he cried, and though I felt sad for him, I kept walking away.
That's how I felt last week when some of his friends made me aware he supposedly sits at work staring at the divorce papers all day. I am sorry for him, but not because I'm leaving. Not because I am sad I am leaving, but because I am sad it took him this long to realize I'm not coming back. It took until now to realize he can't give his heart and body to other women and then still expect me to stay around and wait and hope he will realize he is wrong. He's dragged my name through the mud. He has tried numerous time to hurt me since this all started. He has done all he can to be hateful, spiteful, mean, and malicious, but I am apparently supposed to play the fool and still take him back.
There are bridges that could never be repaired. His lies to his family are so far gone, they'd never accept me, and after how some of them treated me, I'd never want to be a part of their lives again. His new friends, without knowing me and only knowing the lies he has filled them with, have aided him in his cruelties and his harassment, and so I'd never want to be around them.
But those things aside, looking into his eyes when he came home for R&R and blatantly lied to me about the girl he now calls his girlfriend. Knowing he could look me, as his wife, in the face and try to tell me she was just a girl who meant nothing, just a person to spend time with since I wouldn't let him touch me when I'd found out, just a girl his friends introduced him to. Knowing, after I found the receipt for condoms in the car, the hand written directions to her house on the envelope to the card I bought him, the address of her house written on the back of a torn piece from a letter I'd sent him over deployment... And then to look me in the eyes and say he never touched her, but see the only two remaining condoms from a box of twelve fall from his things...and then me picking them up, handing them back, scooting away from the table and getting my things and going to the car.
I offered to go to counseling. I offered to stick around, if only he would stop. If only he would give me time to heal. If only...but I did not mean enough to wait. I waited eight months, but I was not worth two weeks.
I am worth an eternity to someone.
So sign the damn papers, and let me go.
So he sits there at his desk looking at the divorce papers and you're supposed to feel sorry for him?
ReplyDeleteUm...why?
Personally I can't abide people who sit there *doing NOTHING AT ALL* about why they feel sad or miserable and expect sympathy.
Don't feel sorry for him...he seems to have that covered already. Instead, remain busy *not* feeling sorry for yourself.
You have such a trusting, loving heart. But, don't feel sorry for him. He should have known back in October that he screwed up and it was over. He can't just all of a sudden be remorseful. He's made his bed.
ReplyDeleteHoping he signs the damn papers soon. I want this to be over for you, so you can move on.