Hubby has ventured off into the sand box to play with the other big boys for a little while. In the meantime, I am here doing my thing and being strong. I had my weak and weepy moments, but to be honest I feel blessed that I am holding up so well. I keep my head focused on a task each day and I do it and I'm fine. I do, however, miss being at the house if I'm out too long. I guess part of me thinks if I come home and wait in his chair long enough he'll call or text or burst through the door and say "Just kidding! Ha! Fooled you!" But I know better. This is part of why I didn't disillusion myself into thinking he wouldn't go. Its better this was, and especially having this deep inner peace that he is going to be fine.
Moving along, I got ten chapters of my first course knocked out yesterday. They were fairly easy to get through as were the quizzes. I feel pretty good about school still, especially since I feel like I am accomplishing something for myself. I don't do very much that is just for me, and I think that every now and then I need to. I feel like sometimes I get very bogged down in the mindset of wanting to please and I forget that I need to rest and be me and do something for me on occasion just because I can. School is for me. This is so I can feel better and not feel like I've done nothing with my education and so that if/when the time comes that I can work, I will be able to do so in a way that contributes and makes me feel satisfied with myself. Scooping ice cream was a blast, but it wasn't fulfilling. Then again, the people I worked with hating me because I did a good job and got a raise before they did probably didn't help. Heh.
This week I've got my stay-busy-keep-my-mind-occupied plans pretty well set. Throw in a little working out to hopefully aide me in managing to sleep at night and boom, the ball is rolling!
I wish I had more to say, but I'm cold and a little sleepy and my brain is a little frazzled from studying. I think I'll just end this here for the evening.
<3s
Fae
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Break Stuff...
It seems like when one thing goes, everything goes around our house. Our refrigerator has been leaking water from the freezer down through the refrigerator and ruining produce (and leftovers) for a couple of weeks, and try as we might to get it fixed ourselves (or hope it had stopped and now be aware that it hasn't) we have finally called maintenance. At the same time I placed that order for a fix up, I had to schedule a light bulb replacement appointment because a bunch of our bulbs have decided to simultaneously go out. Lovely. And to top it all off, we had a goodbye dinner for some of Erik's single friends who could not go home to see their families before the big D. Well, at said dinner the boys decided to have a few drinks and one friends incessant need to "plop" down harshly onto my couch appears to either have broken or loosened a support in the back of my couch and now I can see the end of it poking the fabric from the inside out and feel the lack of stability on the far end. Gah!
On top of all that, I am trying to get myself ready to really hit the books when Erik goes but all I keep thinking about is money and how to save some more of it. He wants his phone shut off while he's gone, but I don't know how much money, if any, that it would truly save us, or even if it would save us any since we're on a family plan, not to mention the selfish part of me wants it left on so that those times when I miss him I can call to hear his voice on the voicemail. (Silly, I know, but at least it's something!) Additionally, we're considering switching car insurance to USAA because we've have people tell us how much cheaper their insurance is now with them and though I love cheaper, I just battled it out on the phone with out current insurance company to get out things straightened out because we're military and they wanted us to switch agents every time that we move (not happening) and so I'll feel a little like a jerk if I pull the rug from under their feet now and bail on them.
Then there is the constant battle within myself to decipher what my husband truly wants. He wants money saved while he is gone, yet we has a list of things he wants while we are gone. The list of wants is as follows:
In addition to everything, I've heard the same advice from everyone concerning passing the time: Fill your schedule and countdown to closer, smaller events to make time fly. I think the first two weeks will be the hardest and our anniversary will follow then perhaps the ball will start rolling and I'll begin to toughen up. April brings our 2nd anniversary, my trip to Atlantic City, May brings possibilities for either a visit from my sister or a drive to Tennessee, June will be a baby shower and I hope to fill the remainder with classes at ACS, July will bring my birthday and the second baby shower, August brings the birth of a friend's child, September another birth, October the cruise wedding as well as Fluffeh's wedding and the rest remains a mystery thus far. At some point, R&R will come and go, then finally when its all over he'll be home again. Time has flown by so far, and I pray it continues to.
<3s
Fae
On top of all that, I am trying to get myself ready to really hit the books when Erik goes but all I keep thinking about is money and how to save some more of it. He wants his phone shut off while he's gone, but I don't know how much money, if any, that it would truly save us, or even if it would save us any since we're on a family plan, not to mention the selfish part of me wants it left on so that those times when I miss him I can call to hear his voice on the voicemail. (Silly, I know, but at least it's something!) Additionally, we're considering switching car insurance to USAA because we've have people tell us how much cheaper their insurance is now with them and though I love cheaper, I just battled it out on the phone with out current insurance company to get out things straightened out because we're military and they wanted us to switch agents every time that we move (not happening) and so I'll feel a little like a jerk if I pull the rug from under their feet now and bail on them.
Then there is the constant battle within myself to decipher what my husband truly wants. He wants money saved while he is gone, yet we has a list of things he wants while we are gone. The list of wants is as follows:
- A desktop computer for hubby
- A cheap truck/suv/car (preferably not the latter)
- A laptop for myself
- Paint for the house
- Patio furniture & a fire pit
- Clothes
In addition to everything, I've heard the same advice from everyone concerning passing the time: Fill your schedule and countdown to closer, smaller events to make time fly. I think the first two weeks will be the hardest and our anniversary will follow then perhaps the ball will start rolling and I'll begin to toughen up. April brings our 2nd anniversary, my trip to Atlantic City, May brings possibilities for either a visit from my sister or a drive to Tennessee, June will be a baby shower and I hope to fill the remainder with classes at ACS, July will bring my birthday and the second baby shower, August brings the birth of a friend's child, September another birth, October the cruise wedding as well as Fluffeh's wedding and the rest remains a mystery thus far. At some point, R&R will come and go, then finally when its all over he'll be home again. Time has flown by so far, and I pray it continues to.
<3s
Fae
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Box....
A 47.1 pound box arrived for me from FedEx yesterday. My dear hubby signed for it for me since I wasn't here. Inside were all of my books for school, a neat swag bag, notebook, pens and, the pièce de résistance, a 32 gigabyte Ipod Touch. Just for me! Loaded with all of my video lectures. Pretty sweet deal, if I say so myself. Of course, being the mature young adult that I am, the first thing I did was figure out how to load it up with sweet music for when I'm not studying. My books are now organized by course across my dining room table for studying space because if I put them by my computer I will -never- get anything done.
Rewinding to before the box, the weather yesterday was tremendous. I was full of energy regardless of being under-the-weather for the last four days and got dressed and went curb-scavenging with my friend Claryssa for move-out goodies from people on post. I got a free grill in great condition, a vacuum for Giselle, a floor lamp and later Claryssa went a little gankster and unhooked the hose from their house and ran down the road to my house with it. (Don't worry, she didn't steal it. She confirmed with housing they were gone, so maintenance just would have tossed it!)
Today we decided to make some excellent use of the freebie-grill and I marinated and grilled us some sirloins and made some mashed potatoes, veggies and sauteed mushrooms and onions to boot. He's spoiled, he really is. In fact, everyone keeps telling me he is and I am really only just now realizing they might be right. He's come to expect things now, and sometimes I must be honest, I wonder if they are appreciated now. I've been told that the 12 months of separation will probably assure that that changes but I still find myself wishing I felt a little more appreciated now. I also wonder how, if I start working full time once my certification is complete, it will affect things. If I am working full time, the likelihood of making three meals a day and cleaning each day is going to be slim, and so I wonder how things will work then. I know we can make anything work but its a matter of figuring everything out I guess.
There's been alot of figuring things out within this last month and I know there is only more and more to come. Its part of the puzzle of life and our pieces don't always match, so there's some trimming and tossing out of old pieces. As long as the big picture in the end is what it needs to be that is what matters. :)
<3s
Fae
Rewinding to before the box, the weather yesterday was tremendous. I was full of energy regardless of being under-the-weather for the last four days and got dressed and went curb-scavenging with my friend Claryssa for move-out goodies from people on post. I got a free grill in great condition, a vacuum for Giselle, a floor lamp and later Claryssa went a little gankster and unhooked the hose from their house and ran down the road to my house with it. (Don't worry, she didn't steal it. She confirmed with housing they were gone, so maintenance just would have tossed it!)
Today we decided to make some excellent use of the freebie-grill and I marinated and grilled us some sirloins and made some mashed potatoes, veggies and sauteed mushrooms and onions to boot. He's spoiled, he really is. In fact, everyone keeps telling me he is and I am really only just now realizing they might be right. He's come to expect things now, and sometimes I must be honest, I wonder if they are appreciated now. I've been told that the 12 months of separation will probably assure that that changes but I still find myself wishing I felt a little more appreciated now. I also wonder how, if I start working full time once my certification is complete, it will affect things. If I am working full time, the likelihood of making three meals a day and cleaning each day is going to be slim, and so I wonder how things will work then. I know we can make anything work but its a matter of figuring everything out I guess.
There's been alot of figuring things out within this last month and I know there is only more and more to come. Its part of the puzzle of life and our pieces don't always match, so there's some trimming and tossing out of old pieces. As long as the big picture in the end is what it needs to be that is what matters. :)
<3s
Fae
Monday, March 14, 2011
This Little Engine Is Gonna Do It...
The mantra is working so far. The "think," however, has been replaced with "know." The more I say it, the more I feel like I can do it. No matter how many of my teammates in this deployment drop off and give in, I've got to keep my head in the game and do what I can to stick this out. I don't want to go home. I want to stay here, work on our home. Find him a cheap truck/suv/car. I want to figure things out for myself, put things together, paint things, plant things. I want to do it all and I will do it.
I don't think I can. I know I can. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I can do it.
I don't think I can. I know I can. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I can do it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Army Wife" isn't an MOS...
For those of you who aren't too good with hints, I am the wife of a soldier in the Army. Now then, before I go on, I want everyone to re-read that sentence. I am the wife of a soldier. As in, I am not in the Army. I am his wife. (And for extra clarification because some women are gossipy, he joined after we were married, so no I'm not a tag-chaser either.) Last time I checked when he and I were thumbing through the big ol' book of MOS's (military occupational specialties) there wasn't one for "Army Wife."
Now the reason I say all of that is this: I did not sign any papers, I did not make any verbal agreements, didn't shake any hands, didn't make any secret winks and nods to agree to be on call 24-7, to follow rules, to be held accountable for things and yet here I stand. (Well, I'm sitting presently but you get the idea.) This lifestyle is a career for us both. It consumes our time, it fulfills our needs, it provides for us and things are expected of both of us. Someday when we have children, things will be expected of them even though they didn't sign up for anything either. The saying people who are not in our shoes seem to like goes something along these lines: "You knew what you were getting into." But did we? Sure, we knew that, especially now, a deployment is probably an inevitability, military training and FTX's mean time apart, and worrying is going to happen. But did we know that the work hours would be unstable and bounce around? Did we know that when they say "We're going to be emphasizing family time before deployment" that what they actually meant was "Make sure you see your family as much as you can after work because you're going to be spending the majority of your time with us." Did we know that deployment looming over our heads would send us on the rollercoaster of emotions from shock, sadness, impatience, guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, diligence, readjustment, growth, hurt and the others we never let out? We never knew everything until it happened. We couldn't have known what would happen or how we would handle it until we were in the life living it.
When my father was in the military many years ago, the family of a soldier was considered unnecessary baggage. My dad and his comrades were told for years "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they'd have issued you one." Times are changing. At each meeting, each briefing, each class and each speech we go to, we hear thanks for the service of our spouse, and then after we hear thanks for ours service as their support system as well. We are recognized as a crucial part of our soldiers' lives. We are scene as a part of the Army and a living, striving, growing workforce to aide our spouses, families, communities and country. We are no longer the chaff but instead are honey to the grain in the bread we share as a military community. This is the best life I could have ever hoped for. It is rough, it is full of heartache, but it has blessed us. Our cup runneth over.
And to think, the only promise I had to make was to Love, Honor & Cherish.
<3s
Fae
Now the reason I say all of that is this: I did not sign any papers, I did not make any verbal agreements, didn't shake any hands, didn't make any secret winks and nods to agree to be on call 24-7, to follow rules, to be held accountable for things and yet here I stand. (Well, I'm sitting presently but you get the idea.) This lifestyle is a career for us both. It consumes our time, it fulfills our needs, it provides for us and things are expected of both of us. Someday when we have children, things will be expected of them even though they didn't sign up for anything either. The saying people who are not in our shoes seem to like goes something along these lines: "You knew what you were getting into." But did we? Sure, we knew that, especially now, a deployment is probably an inevitability, military training and FTX's mean time apart, and worrying is going to happen. But did we know that the work hours would be unstable and bounce around? Did we know that when they say "We're going to be emphasizing family time before deployment" that what they actually meant was "Make sure you see your family as much as you can after work because you're going to be spending the majority of your time with us." Did we know that deployment looming over our heads would send us on the rollercoaster of emotions from shock, sadness, impatience, guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, diligence, readjustment, growth, hurt and the others we never let out? We never knew everything until it happened. We couldn't have known what would happen or how we would handle it until we were in the life living it.
When my father was in the military many years ago, the family of a soldier was considered unnecessary baggage. My dad and his comrades were told for years "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they'd have issued you one." Times are changing. At each meeting, each briefing, each class and each speech we go to, we hear thanks for the service of our spouse, and then after we hear thanks for ours service as their support system as well. We are recognized as a crucial part of our soldiers' lives. We are scene as a part of the Army and a living, striving, growing workforce to aide our spouses, families, communities and country. We are no longer the chaff but instead are honey to the grain in the bread we share as a military community. This is the best life I could have ever hoped for. It is rough, it is full of heartache, but it has blessed us. Our cup runneth over.
And to think, the only promise I had to make was to Love, Honor & Cherish.
<3s
Fae
Monday, March 7, 2011
I Already Knew He Was Awesome...
This weekend it was made clear to me that my husband is awesome for the following reasons:
We got to Tommy and Stephanie's house and the boys started playing games and having a few drinks while the girls spoiled Giselle's tiny Shih tzu puppy and talked at the kitchen table.
I'd reason that somewhere around four hours later, two of the boys were pretty drunk. Things they were saying weren't making much sense anymore and they seemed to be having more trouble staying on topic or focusing on games. They began to do that classic thing guys do when they are drunk where they talk about things as if they are great philosophers and are opening all of our eyes to new ideas and wonderments. Needless to say, Aristotle they were not. Erik, however, remained quiet and observant, taking open opportunities to make tiny sarcastic jabs at his opponents who were helpless to fight back or were blindsided and remained so, unaware the attack had even occurred until they realized everyone else was laughing but them. As the two drunk boys disappeared into the bedroom to have a "who has the better gear" fight amongst themselves, Erik listened and jumped in on the ladies' conversation and began to flex his own neuro-muscles as he recalled dates and facts about me most men don't know: The date we met, the date we met in person, the first song we ever danced to, the day he proposed, my favorite colors, flowers, eye color, height, bra size, etc. The ladies were pretty shocked and awed. I felt like baking him a dozen cookies and doing a Superman-esque pose in my apron. I have Super-Hubby! Haha! The boys returned unaware of the onslaught they were about to face. The quizzes began immediately and as I watched the looks of panic pass over their faces I felt compassionate enough to try to save them. One mention of "buck-ninety-nine chicken nuggets and McDonald's" to the table and the pregnant lady was ready to pack up and go get food. I shuffled everyone but the two sheepish drunk boys out the door and to get them food while we picked up food and I basked in the compliments of how lucky I am and how awesome he is. I revelled quietly and when we got back we found the two curled up on the couches knocked out. We bid everyone adieu and headed home, proud and happy and puffed with pride.
<3s
Fae
- He listens.
- He pays attention.
- He remembers seemingly meaningless dates and facts.
- He does not get drunk and start acting ridiculous.
We got to Tommy and Stephanie's house and the boys started playing games and having a few drinks while the girls spoiled Giselle's tiny Shih tzu puppy and talked at the kitchen table.
I'd reason that somewhere around four hours later, two of the boys were pretty drunk. Things they were saying weren't making much sense anymore and they seemed to be having more trouble staying on topic or focusing on games. They began to do that classic thing guys do when they are drunk where they talk about things as if they are great philosophers and are opening all of our eyes to new ideas and wonderments. Needless to say, Aristotle they were not. Erik, however, remained quiet and observant, taking open opportunities to make tiny sarcastic jabs at his opponents who were helpless to fight back or were blindsided and remained so, unaware the attack had even occurred until they realized everyone else was laughing but them. As the two drunk boys disappeared into the bedroom to have a "who has the better gear" fight amongst themselves, Erik listened and jumped in on the ladies' conversation and began to flex his own neuro-muscles as he recalled dates and facts about me most men don't know: The date we met, the date we met in person, the first song we ever danced to, the day he proposed, my favorite colors, flowers, eye color, height, bra size, etc. The ladies were pretty shocked and awed. I felt like baking him a dozen cookies and doing a Superman-esque pose in my apron. I have Super-Hubby! Haha! The boys returned unaware of the onslaught they were about to face. The quizzes began immediately and as I watched the looks of panic pass over their faces I felt compassionate enough to try to save them. One mention of "buck-ninety-nine chicken nuggets and McDonald's" to the table and the pregnant lady was ready to pack up and go get food. I shuffled everyone but the two sheepish drunk boys out the door and to get them food while we picked up food and I basked in the compliments of how lucky I am and how awesome he is. I revelled quietly and when we got back we found the two curled up on the couches knocked out. We bid everyone adieu and headed home, proud and happy and puffed with pride.
<3s
Fae
Friday, March 4, 2011
Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo...
I could go for a fairy-godmother right about now. A genie would work too, though I'm not much for liking the limit-on-wishes, I guess it would be okay because I really only have one right now.
I don't want him to go. Plain and simple and not very unpredictable, I know, but that's it. I keep looking at him or thinking about him when something I take for granted as routine happens and realize that they aren't going to be routine when he's not here. I don't have to wake up at 0530 when he isn't here. There will be no one to make breakfast for. There will be no one to make lunch or dinner for, and when he isn't here sure the house will be cleaner, but whose socks will I pick up or pull from between his recliner cushions? Who will drink all the milk and eat the last piece of American cheese then not tell me they did it? Who will leave the toilet seat up when I really have to pee so they when I run in, throw my pants down and sit down I fall in and scream? No one. I'll have no one to understand our special sarcasm jokes back and forth and no one to walk me down the halls when I watch something to scary and am afraid to walk from the living room to the bedroom.
And I keep crying. I'm trying really hard not to because everyone keeps telling me how its bad to cry because then he will just worry about me instead of doing what he needs to do, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I cry when Bambi's mom dies. I cry when the Beast dies even though I have watched the movie a million+ times and know he lives and they live happily ever after.
This sucks.
</3s
Fae.
I don't want him to go. Plain and simple and not very unpredictable, I know, but that's it. I keep looking at him or thinking about him when something I take for granted as routine happens and realize that they aren't going to be routine when he's not here. I don't have to wake up at 0530 when he isn't here. There will be no one to make breakfast for. There will be no one to make lunch or dinner for, and when he isn't here sure the house will be cleaner, but whose socks will I pick up or pull from between his recliner cushions? Who will drink all the milk and eat the last piece of American cheese then not tell me they did it? Who will leave the toilet seat up when I really have to pee so they when I run in, throw my pants down and sit down I fall in and scream? No one. I'll have no one to understand our special sarcasm jokes back and forth and no one to walk me down the halls when I watch something to scary and am afraid to walk from the living room to the bedroom.
And I keep crying. I'm trying really hard not to because everyone keeps telling me how its bad to cry because then he will just worry about me instead of doing what he needs to do, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I cry when Bambi's mom dies. I cry when the Beast dies even though I have watched the movie a million+ times and know he lives and they live happily ever after.
This sucks.
</3s
Fae.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The 180 I Didn't Expect...
For those of you who read this blog, you'll understand where I'm about to go with this. For those of you who don't or haven't kept up, in order to get a little background for this blog, you'll have had to read this one.
Since before we were married and from that time forward, we've been pretty firm on waiting. Wait-wait-wait-itty-wait-wait-waiting. No rushing. The opposite of doing it now. -Waiting!- So you can imagine my surprise when in the middle of dominating the pitiful infidels on Wheel of Fortune through the TV and unbeknown to them, Erik says "I kind of want a baby."
I think my jaw may literally have hit the floor. All thought processes at that moment sort of shut down and I went slightly stupid for a moment. There may have even been drool. After wiping my chin, picking up my jaw and assuring my tongue worked properly to form words, I asked where that had come from. Apparently the plethora of baby videos, photos and updates from all the people we know having babies or trying to have babies finally got to him like it had started doing to me. He said that the more he saw them the more he realized how much it was something he really wanted. We talked further and agreed that we still don't want to rush in and do anything immediately and waiting a little while still seems like a better idea, but neither of us would be crushed and upset if a surprise came along.
I think we've both realized in a short time how important our lives together are and how much little events mean to us and I think that though we are still just big kids we are growing into adults and prioritizing and getting our lives together on the same track to happiness. And even though we want a baby and can't wait for that when its that time, we can wait for now and know that it will happen and we will be happy.
<3s
Fae
Since before we were married and from that time forward, we've been pretty firm on waiting. Wait-wait-wait-itty-wait-wait-waiting. No rushing. The opposite of doing it now. -Waiting!- So you can imagine my surprise when in the middle of dominating the pitiful infidels on Wheel of Fortune through the TV and unbeknown to them, Erik says "I kind of want a baby."
I think my jaw may literally have hit the floor. All thought processes at that moment sort of shut down and I went slightly stupid for a moment. There may have even been drool. After wiping my chin, picking up my jaw and assuring my tongue worked properly to form words, I asked where that had come from. Apparently the plethora of baby videos, photos and updates from all the people we know having babies or trying to have babies finally got to him like it had started doing to me. He said that the more he saw them the more he realized how much it was something he really wanted. We talked further and agreed that we still don't want to rush in and do anything immediately and waiting a little while still seems like a better idea, but neither of us would be crushed and upset if a surprise came along.
I think we've both realized in a short time how important our lives together are and how much little events mean to us and I think that though we are still just big kids we are growing into adults and prioritizing and getting our lives together on the same track to happiness. And even though we want a baby and can't wait for that when its that time, we can wait for now and know that it will happen and we will be happy.
<3s
Fae
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)