Here's a tad bit of history, for those who know me less-than-well: I was adopted by my grandparents when I was ten months old. That gives me a sort of dual-role in my family. I am seemingly relate-able to both the grandchildren-aged group and the child-aged group. I'm 24, soon to be 25. My "brothers and sisters" are ranging in age from 37-43 (not counting my one biological little sister, who is 21) and my "cousins/nieces/nephews" range in age from 14-25. I am closer to the age group of the "grandchildren" but closer in how I see myself to the "children." Its a bit of an awkward situation and confusing for anyone who's first introduced to our family.
Anyway, I give this history to make a point. Minus the 3 who are still in middle school or high school, I am the only of my family to have no children. I was married for over three years. Unfortunately, I technically still am because for some reason the man who felt it so necessary to tell me he didn't love me anymore and felt so strongly about this that he proceeded to sleep with anything that spread its legs, still hasn't signed divorce papers. But I digress. Though married over three years, I still have no children of my own.
I didn't want any at the time. I truly didn't, and perhaps that was God's way of making sure I didn't have a permanent connection to this man. The idea of having a child right now having to go through this struggle with me...I'd feel horrible. I repeatedly said while I was married that when I could walk through the baby aisle at Wal-mart and get more excited there than I do when I walk through electronics, I'd know I was ready. I meant that. Honestly, I still do. However...
With everyone around me having children, with everyone around me creating these beautiful little miniature versions of themselves, I can feel the tug at my heart strongs. I can feel the burn in my heart, throat and behind my eyes asking myself if I am ever going to have that.
"To be a wife and a mother," is always my answer when someone asks "What do you want most in life?" Not "to be rich" or "to have a huge house." Just to be a wife and a mother. I know that I am "only 24" but being "only 24" and seeing the whole world around you seem to be moving on towards the thing you want most, and some of them not even appreciating it... It's like a quick subtle swipe of a nice along my side. I don't realize it happens until i feel the sting, and the more cuts, the more it bleeds and stings.
I'm terrified of motherhood someday, and I'm in no rush to be one now...but I do want it someday. I do want to know what its like to have someone look into my eyes and call me "mommy." And I do want to have the life back where I wake up next to a husband everyday, but this time one who says "I love you" and when he says it, he means it. I want forever to mean forever, not "forever or until something better comes along." And I want to plan goals and dreams and work for them to make them come true.
I've never really wanted kids or to be a wife, but I have friends who've been married for a while, and friends who are just getting married and friends who are trying for babies and friends who have recently had babies and ultimately the people who seem the most happy are the ones who were honest with themselves about what they wanted and needed and made an invitation for it to come into their lives. The ones who seem to be struggling the most are the ones who saw what made everyone else happy and decided that it should work for them too and settled for a close enough is good enough life.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess what I'm saying is that I'm glad you're honest with yourself about what you want. There's a lot of pressure from a lot of different sides on women to be or do things in certain ways. We're supposed to want careers because our parents burned their bras for us, but some women don't, and feminism is about having that choice. You're not letting down women by wanting to be a wife and mother. You'd only be letting yourself and the people who love you down by pretending you don't.
Good on you. And you're such a kind and loving person I think it will happen for you. You had a false start, but if you are open to love and you're firm in your expectations, I think you'll be able to find the right person to do all this with. Someone who will treat you with respect. Who will know that the wonderful things you do are done out of love, but are not something they are entitled to. Someone who treasures you. All of you. When you're happy, sad, joyful, frustrated, lonely or excited or whatever.
Also, to the ex-hubby: You done fucked up, mister.
I love you, Asa. <3 :)
ReplyDeleteAwww shucks ^_^
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