We Don't Know What We're Doing...Let's Do It Again!

There's an epidemic among us that is rarely acknowledged. We see it around us daily. It's effects reverberate throughout society.It is both saddening and maddening. Those effected by it aren't the only ones suffering. Their friends, family and even strangers who encounter them must also bare some of the burden. However, if we band together and stand up against it, I believe we can defeat it. Through rehabilitation, we can fight this disease. Ladies and gentleman, will you help me fight the war against stupidity?
I know. I know what you're thinking. "But how? How can we fight something that effects so many people?"  It will be a slow and painstaking process, my friends, but I believe we can make the difference! I'm compiling a list of steps to aid us in our battle against buffoonery. We shall overcome! Here are some of the steps I've come up with so far:
1. Attempt to simply confront the infected person. Let them know that you understand their disease, but that you're willing to stick by them while they work through it. Remember, however, that the first sign of a problem is denial. If this is the case, you'll need to move on to the next steps.
2. Correction. A horrifying symptom of this disease is that inability for the afflicted to accept their lack of knowledge on a topic. Instead, insistence to the opposite is often displayed, and more embarrassingly, this insistence is public. The best way to handle this situation:  Shut it down. Correct them immediately on the spot, preferably with proof. (I recommend carrying a smart phone with a Google hot-button at all times when in this step of rehabilitation.) Be aware that they may begin to try to back-peddle in which case you much continue to correct them until they take a deep breath and admit they were wrong. Congratulate them on their step toward the cure, then move on.
3. Sarcasm.  Now,  this methodology can work one of two ways. If you are dealing with someone who is only slightly affected by stupidity, this may put the person into check on their own. When they have a relapse and begin to show symptoms, a quick quip at their expense will act as an electroshock therapy and zap them back into place. Those who are deeply affected by the disease, however, may need this to work in a different way, The embarrassment that will come from everyone else laughing at them and them not understanding why until later will often aid them immensely, though be advised this method can often lead to anger and more blurbs from the infected person before they get better.
4. The Battle of Wits.  Now then, this treatment is recommended for those who consider themselves to be somewhat professional in dealing with stupid. It works best with the argumentative idiot. The one who insists on being correct when in actuality, they are simply stacking more and more fallacies in order to attempt to right themselves. Always attempt to start with step 1 of the steps, but for the Battle of Wits to work its magic, a good balance between steps 2 and 3, perhaps even dabbling the two together into one step, is most effective.

These steps should lead you to a healthy cure for the afflicted persons in your life. If not, I recommend immediately quarantine. If you find yourself without the ability to lock the person away and correct their idiocy, the only other option is to cut off contact from the infected. You do not want to catch this disease.

<3s
Fae

Welcome To The Jungle...

Life is not a box of chocolates, Forrest Gump. Oh no. No, it is not. Not unless these chocolates chocolate covered insects. This definitely feels more like I'm going in expecting a delicious nougat-y treat but end up biting into a grasshopper.
It's been one of those weeks. I turned my World of Warcraft account back on recently, which is nice because it amuses me in that I have a game to play, things to do and more importantly I get some socialization outside of my little world here at Fort Awesome. Most of the people I used to talk to have moved on or don't play often, but thanks to the RealID system they find me on the rare occasions they are on and since most of them know myself as well as dear hubby, they now check on me. I'll get the random 2:00 or 3:00 AM call or text that says "Hey, Fae. How are you doing?" or "Hey! Just wanted to say hi!"  Then again, the random "LAWLIMSODRUNKRITENAO" also slips through, but even those make me laugh. That was the upturn to my week, that and Claryssa, aka Preggers, is back from Delaware.
The downturn comes in the lack of talking to dear hubby this week and the few times we did turning sour. Its hard to have the person you're most close seem so distant and so angry the majority of the time. And stressed. Distance and inability to speak as we'd like makes it hard to give the comforting words, and when his frustration comes out on me, I find mine shooting right back and I have to bite my tongue. I know he is an indescribably and unimaginably stressful situation, but it feels nauseating that that constantly gets to be an excuse to take those feelings out on me. I'm supposed to be the one who helps him move past those feelings, not the one he catches in his cross-hairs.
I wish I had a time machine.

<3s
Fae

I'm a Bad One, I'm a Good One, I'm a Sick One, With a Smile...

This garbage right here is what is wrong with women these days.   Where does this bimbo get off? I mean, first of all, it looks like she's never lifted a dish in her life, other than maybe to stuff her face on the gorging cycle of her bulimia. Second of all, can we say worst lyrics ever? And this is coming from someone who gives a lot of credit to bands that aren't native speakers of English who redo their music in English. Props to them, but not to this broad.
Why is it so awful to want to take care of your family and husband? Why is it some horribly degrading thing to so many young women nowadays to not work outside the home? My days are full of things to do when my husband is home even without me having a job. I don't get to just sit around and do nothing.
Short post. Too irritated to continue and I need to put my knee up with ice on it.

<3s
Fae

PS. I hope someone slaps a ho.

Said I Wouldn't Call But I've Lost All Control and I Need You Now...

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." -- Marcel Pagnol

I am a fan of quotes, for those who haven't noticed. Whether they be from song lyrics, books, the news, anything. I feel like if something was memorable enough to be notated and quoted then it must have some importance to someone. The above quote seemed to encompass the thoughts I've carried in my mind as of late. So many people around me, to include myself, have been experiencing rough times lately. A majority of them seem to have given up hope and let much of the joy in their lives slip away because they dwell constantly on all of the bad.
I'm guilty of it myself, sometimes, but I've found a great truth in my life: Things can only hurt you, make you sad, make you angry or break you if you let them. You can choose to not let them. The initial sting and shock will always be there, that is unavoidable, but if you stand up and say "I am not going to let this ruin my happiness" then it actually helps.
My husband is halfway across the world, but I do not let it break me. I find ways to occupy my time and I remain ever vigilant in my belief that no matter what, he is coming home. I worry he'll be sad or effected by what he's seen, but I know no matter what we can overcome anything together.
I miss my family and it gets me down, but at the same time I have family. I am blessed with an abundance of people in my life who love me and those who use me shouldn't be able to steal away the joy the others give me.
I can do anything I set my mind to. I have the most amazing husband, the best friends I could ask for, a wonderful family and an awesome God.

<3s
Fae

Put A Smile On Your Face...

I'm attempting to pull myself out of the funk of irritation I was in during that last blog. I've since done a little mental and emotional housekeeping, as well as some social-networking clean up, and decided that I can't dwell on people who drag me down. I need to just pick myself up and accept that there are people in the world who suck others around them dry. Yes, Billy Corgan, the world is indeed a vampire.
On to that whole happy-touchy-feely thing. I'm going to a party with John and Beth on Saturday. I shall yet again be in heels and a dress. Someone out there laughed mockingly. You shall rue this day, mocker. Actually, other than the painful feet I love doing stuff like this with them. Its fun and its always an experience. I believe since my original Friday plans were cancelled that Beth and I may be going to a shop somewhere in Stamford to look at dresses for their wedding. That's always fun because I get to play Barbie for a little while. You know, the rejected short, chunky brunette Barbie...Oh. Mattel didn't make one? Huh. Sunday my big brother has decided to take me to some big NYS flea market which is supposed to be an experience. I love those sorts of things, so I'm rather excited for that.
And that's really it for now. This blog was really more of an update than my usual commentary on life, but I'm still trying to get the sour out of my 'tude before I go back to just being cynical and sarcastic and stop being a downright bitch.

<3s
Fae

Push Me Away, Make Me Fall, Just to See Another Side of Me...

In this world, there are givers and there are takers. I, believe it or not, am a giver. I give to everyone, even those who don't really deserve it because regardless, it feels like it is the right thing to do. The problem with this, however, seems to be that eventually people figure you out. They realize you are a giver. They realize they can be a taker. It sinks in that no matter how much they want to take and take and take, you will be right there to keep giving. Eventually though, like even the greatest renewable resources, we all get tapped dry.
I believe yesterday may have been that point for me.
I have decided that sometimes, people really don't care what they take from you. They really do not care how things affect you. In this world there really are people who are just plain selfish and hey, maybe they don't realize it but that doesn't change the cold hard facts. They are takers and I'm tired of fueling it.
I am tired of sticking my neck out for people. I am tired of being the dependable friend. I am tired of being the one that can be leaned on but then when I turn to fall no one is there to catch me. Clearly the entirety of my friends and family do not fall under this, but the ones who do know it. They felt the guilt in the pit of their stomach when they read this. They felt it when they read my Facebook statuses and knew they were to whom I was speaking. They know it each time I'm reluctant to, or simply don't, answer a text. They know it because the normally smiling and happy person they milk for everything is now handing out lemons.
Suck on those for a while.

<3s
Fae

On the Road Again...

So I'm back at the location where this blog started, and actually here for much along the same premise as then as well. With my dear hubby off in the sand box, I needed a break from home so I came back to Connecticut to spend time with my brother and his wonderful fiance, Beth.
Whenever I come here, my stress level drops infinitely. I go from being somewhere where everything is about everyone else and I am constantly pleasing others and considering others to for once being able to just sit down and think "Oh. This is for me."
There are, however, some social adjustments I have to accept when I come to this area. You see, the Northeastern United States, for those who haven't been here are...well..uptight? Snooty? Sometimes even downright bitchy. And that is not at all saying that all Northeasterners are that way! Beth is a doll and so is her family, but the people we don't know...they are a hand full. Within five minutes of being here I was being verbally assaulted by some broad down the way because she assumed I parked in her parking space. In fact, I had parked in a visitor's space and the other snooty broad had pulled into her space and so they commenced their arguing while I brought my things inside.
I feel bad even generalizing that it's the entire Northeast, come to think of it, though I do know you all in this area definitely aren't the sweet-tea-loving, how-are-ya'll, bless-your-heart Southerners I'm used to. I think perhaps I can narrow it down and specifically say the majority of the attitude is in this general area. As my soon-to-be sister-in-law puts it: People here have too much money & too much time on their hands.
Women here grocery shop like grazing cows: picking, staring and in herds. They will stand for minutes on end staring at the same product then wonder why you reach past them (while saying excuse me politely!) to grab the Danish Blue you saw from twenty feet away while she was still staring into space vacantly.
And the events! My goodness! How in the world do you people do this? Each time I visit our schedule is packed with events, and I find that more and more of them require a dress and heels. Where I am from, you throw heels on for a few minutes, an hour tops, then you tuck those babies under the table and go barefoot or rock your flip flops! When I was invited to the "ladies' tea" tomorrow afternoon, I imagined an hour or so of chat then coming home. Little did I know I had been recruited into "four or five hours" of high-heel, tea-dress good times. I foresee Epson salt in my near future...

<3s
Fae

Tell Your Boyfriend If He Says He's Got Beef, That I'm a Vegetarian...

I am baffled by modern science each day. Philip Defranco mentioned in his MWF show something about someone creating a paper phone (which isn't actually made of paper, but is instead just paper-thin phone) and found myself thinking how much we have progressed within the last one hundred years. I mean really, even within just the last ten we've revolutionized the way we live our daily lives.
However, with progression comes regression. Nearly every device we carry with us this day in age contains a camera, and most of these have video functionality. Now in many ways, this is a wonderful thing! Many criminals have been caught thanks to people candidly capturing them on their video devices! People have cause abusers, thieves, and much more on their devices. Sometimes people even catch things that turn out to show people with great talents and propel them somewhere that without video, they would have never been. (i.e. Golden Voice)
I am all for these purposes! These are great! It feels like things like this or keeping in contact with loved ones across distances are exactly what video technology on phones and ipods was made for.
What these things were NOT made for, however, is slow, long and agonizingly torturous videos to force your friends to watch. The panic attack I suffer from each time I hear "Hey! Check out this video of my cat!"  The nausea I suffer when I hear "Oh man, watch this awesome video of me singing drunk at this party!"  Or the desire that grips me to repeatedly pummel myself with the nearest heavy object when someone says "Wait wait, let me show you this one of litte Timmy almost eating peas by himself" when in reality little Timmy is drooling all over himself staring at the video camera motionless for three minutes of the three minute and fifteen second video.  Remember the jokes about people who made you look at pictures of their kids from their wallets?  Remember making fun of people for asking you to watch their slideshows of their vacations?  This is the same thing. Technological progression does not excuse your social regression. Unless I really insist to see your video, I probably don't care. Unless it's had atleast 100k views on Youtube, it probably isn't as funny as you seem to think. Unless you want to stare at the entirety of my photo collection while duct-taped to a chair with your eyes taped open, do not attempt to torture me please. I am better at it than you. Like everything else.

<3s
Fae

Can I Get A...

I am a lovey-dovey, touchy-feely, huggy girl. I love to hug people I know when I see them or when they are leaving, I love to gently shove when I joke with people, I kiss someone on the top of their head when they are crying on my shoulder. That being said, even with all that touchy-feely-ness that I was always taught was a good thing, my DH and I have never made sex the forefront of our marriage. Now, that's not to say that we don't "get it on" like the newly-weds that we are, but at the same time, we're also comfortable enough with one another to understand that we both do a lot during the day and come home tired, so it's not an every night thing and sometimes it may even go a week. *GASP* Regardless, my point is that both of us have talked as adults and have an understanding that there's no reason for that to be a primary concern for either of us in this relationship because we are truly best friends and know there is more to this for us than that.
Now that that's been said, I must confess that for the first time in our relationship I feel like I'm being sexually deprived. (And not by choice, of course. If he were here we'd have this problem all sealed up.) The"Sexually deprived for your freedom" shirts and the Facebook group are making more and more sense now!
When he was at BCT, it sucked but after it was over I saw him briefly (very briefly) for an intimate rendezvous in the car. On his way in transit from BCT to AIT, I again went up for a visit at the airport and we spent some more time in our car. While he was in AIT, I visited twice, the first time for four days, the second time for almost a week, and so all total, we've only ever been away and truly cut off from physical intimacy for about eight to nine weeks at a time before. The realization that this playtime in the sandbox time will make that stretch immensely longer was overwhelmingly clear when I started having dreams about my husband and I doing the naughty. Now, I've had these kinds of dreams before, so no this isn't some new experience, however never this often. Nearly all of them have had my husband in the starring role, though on occasion its not my husband. It's no one who is realistically reachable, of course, but it's still a little awkward to be a married woman having a dream about being the filling of a Blake Shelton/Tim McGraw sandwich. (Please make me stop watching The Voice.)
The grumpiness that follows the morning, and sometimes even extends into the day after, one of these dreams is unbearable. I'm not a grumpy person! Sarcastic? Duh. Cynical? Clearly. But grumpy? I'm a freakin' ray of sunshine people. Haha! But not on these days! On these days I am snappy and find myself going off on tangents about how somehow prisoners who have commited murder, rape and treason still are allowed conjugal visits, yet we're get nothing for months at a time! Everyone whose husbands are home on R&R or not deployed are getting retina-searing glares from me through the monitor each time they post on Facebook on these days. And Lord help you if you're with him and I run into you on those days because I'll probably be mentally talking myself down from kneeing him so you feel my pain for at least a few days.
My rationale is off these days, but the rest of the time I'm really handling everything quite well. In fact, I keep being told how well I am handling things which I think is in part why I wanted to post this. I'm human too. This is my first time doing this, so I'm getting a grasp on things and trying to figure out how to do this just like some of you have done or are doing now too, so don't think I don't struggle. When I have my bad days, they are one of two modes: if it's not extremely-irritable-sexually-deprived Fae then its sad-mopey-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat Fae. Those days I stay home with the dog and yes, that actually makes things feel better. This big D thing is something I am thinking of as a learning experience and I am taking away from it alot of knowledge about myself I did not have prior.
Today's lesson: The sentence "I don't think the no-sex for a year thing will really be a big deal for me" was incorrect. lol

<3s
Fae

The Downfall of Social Etiquette...

Social networking sites are amazing and revolutionary. They aid families and friends in staying touch with one another, keeping up-to-date with news and in theory all of this is great and helpful. However, with all good ideas there are flaws.
In addition to staying in touch, you are also able to keep tabs, in addition to knowing news with your family, sometimes your family's news becomes public news because people do not draw a line between personal/private and public. Instead of remembering the age old rules of social etiquette where-in we do not spread our business or the fights we have between one another or involve other people, we now post them on these sites. We do it for different reasons: Some post their irritations with people because they can do it indirectly without directly pointing a finger but still getting their message across, some post to receive some sort of vindication because inevitably one person always agrees with you no matter how wrong you are, and some simply enjoy the dramatics that ensue. For whatever the reason, this seems commonplace on these social networks and so instead of being the peaceful means of finding loved ones and keeping in touch and showing we care, they become a place of public animosity and backhanded commentary.
Social networking sites aren't the only thing to blame, however. The cell phone is a culprit as well. I find myself guilty of using it as a means of getting things done, especially if I don't want roped into having to speak with someone. When did it become an inconvenience to socialize with my friends and family? When did having to make a five minute phone call become justifiably replaceable with a ten second text? Do I have sensitive vocal chords? Am I really so high and mighty that the chore of having to listen to someone's small talk before the actual message of intent for my call is delivered is unbearable?
And other than to Erik, I can not remember the last time I wrote someone a letter. A real letter. Not an email, not even a typed and printed letter, but instead sat down with a pen and paper and just wrote to someone.
I have to go check my email...heh.

<3s
Fae

All I Know, All I Know, Love Will Save the Day...

I love Rory's puppy sad face she makes at me when I'm trying to do something like homework, cleaning or blogging. It's a face of "Why is this task more fun than the excitement of rubbing my belly?" It would be lovely if the entire world were so simple and innocent as that, my dear pup.
I've got alot on my mind today. I've got to do a lot of errands, to include picking up my friend Giselle from her class but I haven't heard from her yet. Now, this may seem silly, but that has me worried. I think I inherited extreme cautiousness from my dad. I remember my parents were always highly cautious to begin with, but it never bothered me. After my eldest sister was murdered though, the cautions were taken to a whole new level. My entire family sudden realized what it was like to lose someone from our lives entirely. I think and unspoken oath was passed knowingly among each of us at that moment to never let another one of us disappear. I now take that same precaution with all people in my life.
Even now, at the age of 23, if I am in a store with people and turn around to see them no longer behind me, a moment of utter fear and panic sets in and I have to go and look for them, or, should we have decided to separate to do our own shopping I feel the need to expedite my own shopping needs and hurry back to my companion. Erik doesn't understand why fully, but he sees that it is something that truly, deeply affects me so when he needs to go get a stick of deodorant or wants to pick up some more razor blades, he just leads me gently with him. The feeling of fear is always worse when I am in a place unfamiliar to me. For instance, when I go to Connecticut if my soon-to-be sister-in-law leaves a section of the store to go to another and I can't find her, I can't seem to rationalize that she will be fine and so will I and instead I will stop looking at whatever I was looking at and walk immediately to find her.
So as I sit here, worrying because I have not heard from Little G today and have not received a call to come get her, I rationalize that I am allowed to be worried. With her hubby deployed, she's been very sad and down and stressed with that, school and a broken down car. Am I overthinking things? Do I need to worry? The more important question to me is: Does it hurt anything to worry? Is there such a thing as being overly cautious? I don't hinder my life. I still have fun, I still do things, so why does it matter if I try to be more aware of my surroundings and more on my toes? Maybe it doesn't, but then why do I feel like people think something is wrong with me for worrying about myself and the ones I love?

<3s
Fae

It's The Sweetest Thing...

The house smells pretty awesome...The smell of fajita chicken, Spanish rice and beans (from two nights ago) and now the marinated, stuffed chicken thighs from this evening are wafting around mixed with the light sent of roses from my candle. The living room is lit dimly with the light of the lamp my love proffered from someone's curbside drop off and the candle is flickering softly. The television is on, but I'm really not paying much attention. I've been lying with my little puppy writing letters and sketching and thinking about how incredibly blessed I am.
Deployment is really a harsh mix of emotions. It sort of feels like my heart and mind are see-sawing, sometimes together, other times against each other. When I can speak with him I am elated that he's safe and sound and doing well. He feels like he is really fulfilling a purpose and that makes me swell up with pride and a deep inner joy. Other times though, like this past week where the contact was slightly more limited I felt hopeless and desperate. In fact, two nights ago I fell apart completely into a sobbing mess on our med screaming into my pillow. I broke. I finally let out what I kept holding back. Last night I needed to tell my friends here that I am not a rock or pillar. No matter how much I try, I am not truly stone, and beneath this shell is a big pile of mush that needs comfort and consolement and to release just as they do. I know they understood. One of them was so worried when I cried that she insisted on staying at my house with me, which in her present situation (midterms, no driver's license and a car that has decided to die for the fourth time in two months) I think may have been good for her as well.
Each day without a call, each missed instant message, each nightmare that sinks my heart is washed away by the crashing waves of love, passion and emotion when I do hear from him or when a song reminds me of him. When I look at photos of us together, my heart flutters. When I remember the press of his lips, the touch of his hands and the warmth of his embraces I can't imagine how I get by without him right now, but then I just remember that once time flies by and he returns, I'll get them all again.
I believe my chai tea is calling my name, as is my pen and sketch pad...

<3s
Fae

It's Been A While...

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I have commitment issues with these internet relationships, my dearest blog. I can't help it. Sometimes you just aren't top priority. It's not you, it's me! I just needed some space...
There, now that that's out of the way: Hello! With the hubs in the sand box and me doing classes and having house guests, which, regardless of how friendly we are I don't really like,  I've been a little overwhelmed. Once my guests had ventured off into their new home, it was coming up on Erik's and my second anniversary.
Our first anniversary, he was still in AIT so I flew to San Antonio and we got to spend a few hours together. This situation wasn't quite the same so I couldn't just pop up and see him. I waited all day hoping for a call or message which I think internally I knew wasn't going to come (which I in no way hold him responsible for, I know he's busy and I know how important it is to him and that he'd have been on all day if he could have been.) Regardless, by the end of the day after listening to our songs and looking at our pictures, I was pretty heartbroken and missing him. Luckily, my friends here came and kidnapped me. They took me to the restaurant Erik and I had been to for our Valentine's date. It's a hibachi grill. (One of those Japanese restaurants where they perform with your food while cooking it in front of you.)
I did a Sake shot which, combined with my martini, nearly knocked me on my butt, but it was fun. I couldn't stop thinking how I wished my hubby was there, but I feel like inside he'll be happy to know that the girls took me out and wouldn't let me sit around the house.
It's two days after my anniversary now, and of course with no word from him still and others from our brigade in the same situation, the rumors are soaring. I've had to silence a few and ease some minds as best I can. Its hard to make people understand that in some cases no news is good news. I'll just hope to hear from him sooner than later but know that if I hear nothing its better than hearing something sometimes.

<3s
Fae

Ain't No Mountain High Enough...

Erik and I sang that song aloud...really loud...about fifty or so times the week before he went off to the sand box, so now when I think of it and sing it, it makes me laugh and smile. (And the occasional tear wells up, but I shoo it away.) I really am handling this whole thing a lot better than I thought. To be completely honest, I feared that the moment I dropped him off I'd cling to his leg like a child as I crumpled against him on the ground and bawled my eyes out and sobbed loudly and leaked snot all over him. Instead, I cried, I held him close and made him promise me to come home safe, sound and in one piece. He did so, and then I pulled it together and we said our "I Love You"s and our "Good bye"s and I got in the car and came home. My friends I've made were here to greet me and comforted me and then the following week I did the same for them when their hubbies went off to join mine.
I thought perhaps that when the initial shock of this whole thing being real wore off that maybe the frazzled-scattered-what-was-I-just-doing/saying/thinking thing would wear off, but apparently that is not the case. My friend Heather here at "Fort Awesome" used the term "deployment brain" to describe it. We liken it to "mommy brain" of expecting/new mothers. Our thoughts are constantly everywhere, and for someone like me who is always focusing on now but also planning the next three to five steps in my mind at the same time, that is beyond not working out for me. I'm just not really sure how to be lost like this. I keep starting sentences and getting one word in then not remembering what I was going to say or even what had been discussed prior. I feel like a boxer who's had one too many blows to the head and is now suffering short term memory loss. Even writing this now, I feel like I should have taken notes or something. Surprisingly though it doesn't seem to be affecting my school work. Maybe that's because when I do my school work it's the one time I truly am trying to just think about one thing. Playing games, reading, watching television, buying groceries, any other time I'm thinking about my love and how he's doing and what he's thinking or seeing. Sometimes I think I'd like to enlist just so that I can get put in his unit and go with him and see for myself he's doing okay. Granted, then he'd be too worried about me to focus, but I'm sure it illustrates the point.
I can tell you one thing though: I feel blessed that we do not have a child and are not pregnant right now. I know this first time of me doing this is going to be too rough and I don't think I could have held it together and put brave face on for a baby right now. I'd have needed to go home and I didn't want to do that. I want to tough this out, and I know that I can. One day at a time, week by week, this is going to pass by and then things will be slightly sane again.
Ratatouille is on. I believe I'm going to go get a pen and markers and draw for my love and write him a letter.

<3's
Fae

And So It Begins...

Hubby has ventured off into the sand box to play with the other big boys for a little while. In the meantime, I am here doing my thing and being strong. I had my weak and weepy moments, but to be honest I feel blessed that I am holding up so well. I keep my head focused on a task each day and I do it and I'm fine. I do, however, miss being at the house if I'm out too long. I guess part of me thinks if I come home and wait in his chair long enough he'll call or text or burst through the door and say "Just kidding! Ha! Fooled you!" But I know better. This is part of why I didn't disillusion myself into thinking he wouldn't go. Its better this was, and especially having this deep inner peace that he is going to be fine.
Moving along, I got ten chapters of my first course knocked out yesterday. They were fairly easy to get through as were the quizzes. I feel pretty good about school still, especially since I feel like I am accomplishing something for myself. I don't do very much that is just for me, and I think that every now and then I need to. I feel like sometimes I get very bogged down in the mindset of wanting to please and I forget that I need to rest and be me and do something for me on occasion just because I can. School is for me. This is so I can feel better and not feel like I've done nothing with my education and so that if/when the time comes that I can work, I will be able to do so in a way that contributes and makes me feel satisfied with myself. Scooping ice cream was a blast, but it wasn't fulfilling. Then again, the people I worked with hating me because I did a good job and got a raise before they did probably didn't help. Heh.
This week I've got my stay-busy-keep-my-mind-occupied plans pretty well set. Throw in a little working out to hopefully aide me in managing to sleep at night and boom, the ball is rolling!
I wish I had more to say, but I'm cold and a little sleepy and my brain is a little frazzled from studying. I think I'll just end this here for the evening.

<3s
Fae

Break Stuff...

It seems like when one thing goes, everything goes around our house. Our refrigerator has been leaking water from the freezer down through the refrigerator and ruining produce (and leftovers) for a couple of weeks, and try as we might to get it fixed ourselves (or hope it had stopped and now be aware that it hasn't) we have finally called maintenance. At the same time I placed that order for a fix up, I had to schedule a light bulb replacement appointment because a bunch of our bulbs have decided to simultaneously go out. Lovely. And to top it all off, we had a goodbye dinner for some of Erik's single friends who could not go home to see their families before the big D. Well, at said dinner the boys decided to have a few drinks and one friends incessant need to "plop" down harshly onto my couch appears to either have broken or loosened a support in the back of my couch and now I can see the end of it poking the fabric from the inside out and feel the lack of stability on the far end. Gah!
On top of all that, I am trying to get myself ready to really hit the books when Erik goes but all I keep thinking about is money and how to save some more of it. He wants his phone shut off while he's gone, but I don't know how much money, if any, that it would truly save us, or even if it would save us any since we're on a family plan, not to mention the selfish part of me wants it left on so that those times when I miss him I can call to hear his voice on the voicemail. (Silly, I know, but at least it's something!) Additionally, we're considering switching car insurance to USAA because we've have people tell us how much cheaper their insurance is now with them and though I love cheaper, I just battled it out on the phone with out current insurance company to get out things straightened out because we're military and they wanted us to switch agents every time that we move (not happening) and so I'll feel a little like a jerk if I pull the rug from under their feet now and bail on them.
Then there is the constant battle within myself to decipher what my husband truly wants. He wants money saved while he is gone, yet we has a list of things he wants while we are gone. The list of wants is as follows:

• A desktop computer for hubby
• A cheap truck/suv/car (preferably not the latter)
• A laptop for myself
• Paint for the house
• Patio furniture & a fire pit
• Clothes

That list may seem short, but its big-ticket items. I'm primarily focusing on the 2nd vehicle and the cheaper things. The desktop computer and laptop are nice ideas, but we don't -need- them. Not too mention, I have to get a passport in case something were to happen and I want there to be savings when he comes home. I've already figured that most likely the bills, especially food & gas, will be cheaper for us for a while. The fact that I don't eat pizza very often will cut out the 2-4 pizza orders a month, not to mention I'll be ordering half (or less) of the usual order. I know he won't go crazy spending either, mostly because I don't think he'll have the opportunity, but at the same time I want him to know he can get something if he wants it.

In addition to everything, I've heard the same advice from everyone concerning passing the time: Fill your schedule and countdown to closer, smaller events to make time fly. I think the first two weeks will be the hardest and our anniversary will follow then perhaps the ball will start rolling and I'll begin to toughen up. April brings our 2nd anniversary, my trip to Atlantic City, May brings possibilities for either a visit from my sister or a drive to Tennessee, June will be a baby shower and I hope to fill the remainder with classes at ACS, July will bring my birthday and the second baby shower, August brings the birth of a friend's child, September another birth, October the cruise wedding as well as Fluffeh's wedding and the rest remains a mystery thus far. At some point, R&R will come and go, then finally when its all over he'll be home again. Time has flown by so far, and I pray it continues to.

<3s
Fae

The Box....

A 47.1 pound box arrived for me from FedEx yesterday. My dear hubby signed for it for me since I wasn't here. Inside were all of my books for school, a neat swag bag, notebook, pens and, the pièce de résistance, a 32 gigabyte Ipod Touch. Just for me! Loaded with all of my video lectures. Pretty sweet deal, if I say so myself. Of course, being the mature young adult that I am, the first thing I did was figure out how to load it up with sweet music for when I'm not studying.  My books are now organized by course across my dining room table for studying space because if I put them by my computer I will -never- get anything done.
Rewinding to before the box, the weather yesterday was tremendous. I was full of energy regardless of being under-the-weather for the last four days and got dressed and went curb-scavenging with my friend Claryssa for move-out goodies from people on post. I got a free grill in great condition, a vacuum for Giselle, a floor lamp and later Claryssa went a little gankster and unhooked the hose from their house and ran down the road to my house with it. (Don't worry, she didn't steal it. She confirmed with housing they were gone, so maintenance just would have tossed it!) 
Today we decided to make some excellent use of the freebie-grill and I marinated and grilled us some sirloins and made some mashed potatoes, veggies and sauteed mushrooms and onions to boot. He's spoiled, he really is. In fact, everyone keeps telling me he is and I am really only just now realizing they might be right. He's come to expect things now, and sometimes I must be honest, I wonder if they are appreciated now. I've been told that the 12 months of separation will probably assure that that changes but I still find myself wishing I felt a little more appreciated now. I also wonder how, if I start working full time once my certification is complete, it will affect things. If I am working full time, the likelihood of making three meals a day and cleaning each day is going to be slim, and so I wonder how things will work then. I know we can make anything work but its a matter of figuring everything out I guess.
There's been alot of figuring things out within this last month and I know there is only more and more to come. Its part of the puzzle of life and our pieces don't always match, so there's some trimming and tossing out of old pieces. As long as the big picture in the end is what it needs to be that is what matters. :)


<3s
Fae

This Little Engine Is Gonna Do It...

The mantra is working so far. The "think," however, has been replaced with "know."  The more I say it, the more I feel like I can do it. No matter how many of my teammates in this deployment drop off and give in, I've got to keep my head in the game and do what I can to stick this out. I don't want to go home. I want to stay here, work on our home. Find him a cheap truck/suv/car. I want to figure things out for myself, put things together, paint things, plant things. I want to do it all and I will do it.
I don't think I can. I know I can. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I can do it.

"Army Wife" isn't an MOS...

For those of you who aren't too good with hints, I am the wife of a soldier in the Army. Now then, before I go on, I want everyone to re-read that sentence. I am the wife of a soldier. As in, I am not in the Army. I am his wife. (And for extra clarification because some women are gossipy, he joined after we were married, so no I'm not a tag-chaser either.)  Last time I checked when he and I were thumbing through the big ol' book of MOS's (military occupational specialties) there wasn't one for "Army Wife."
Now the reason I say all of that is this: I did not sign any papers, I did not make any verbal agreements, didn't shake any hands, didn't make any secret winks and nods to agree to be on call 24-7, to follow rules, to be held accountable for things and yet here I stand. (Well, I'm sitting presently but you get the idea.) This lifestyle is a career for us both. It consumes our time, it fulfills our needs, it provides for us and things are expected of both of us. Someday when we have children, things will be expected of them even though they didn't sign up for anything either. The saying people who are not in our shoes seem to like goes something along these lines: "You knew what you were getting into."  But did we? Sure, we knew that, especially now, a deployment is probably an inevitability, military training and FTX's mean time apart, and worrying is going to happen. But did we know that the work hours would be unstable and bounce around? Did we know that when they say "We're going to be emphasizing family time before deployment" that what they actually meant was "Make sure you see your family as much as you can after work because you're going to be spending the majority of your time with us." Did we know that deployment looming over our heads would send us on the rollercoaster of emotions from shock, sadness, impatience, guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, diligence, readjustment, growth, hurt and the others we never let out? We never knew everything until it happened. We couldn't have known what would happen or how we would handle it until we were in the life living it.
When my father was in the military many years ago, the family of a soldier was considered unnecessary baggage. My dad and his comrades were told for years "If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they'd have issued you one." Times are changing. At each meeting, each briefing, each class and each speech we go to, we hear thanks for the service of our spouse, and then after we hear thanks for ours service as their support system as well. We are recognized as a crucial part of our soldiers' lives. We are scene as a part of the Army and a living, striving, growing workforce to aide our spouses, families, communities and country. We are no longer the chaff but instead are honey to the grain in the bread we share as a military community. This is the best life I could have ever hoped for. It is rough, it is full of heartache, but it has blessed us. Our cup runneth over.
And to think, the only promise I had to make was to Love, Honor & Cherish.

<3s
Fae

I Already Knew He Was Awesome...

This weekend it was made clear to me that my husband is awesome for the following reasons:

• He listens.
• He pays attention.
• He remembers seemingly meaningless dates and facts.
• He does not get drunk and start acting ridiculous.

Friday evening Erik came home and asked if I would like to go see a couple of our friends as well as meet a new couple. I agreed that since we had no plans for Friday evening that it sounded like fun so I got ready to go. We picked up the new couple from the temporary lodging because their car is being worked on and they aren't moved into housing yet. His name is Jim and hers is Giselle. I didn't talk much with him, but I talked with her and she's a sweetheart and gets my sarcasm, so that was an automatic in as far as I was concerned.
We got to Tommy and Stephanie's house and the boys started playing games and having a few drinks while the girls spoiled Giselle's tiny Shih tzu puppy and talked at the kitchen table.
I'd reason that somewhere around four hours later, two of the boys were pretty drunk. Things they were saying weren't making much sense anymore and they seemed to be having more trouble staying on topic or focusing on games. They began to do that classic thing guys do when they are drunk where they talk about things as if they are great philosophers and are opening all of our eyes to new ideas and wonderments. Needless to say, Aristotle they were not. Erik, however, remained quiet and observant, taking open opportunities to make tiny sarcastic jabs at his opponents who were helpless to fight back or were blindsided and remained so, unaware the attack had even occurred until they realized everyone else was laughing but them. As the two drunk boys disappeared into the bedroom to have a "who has the better gear" fight amongst themselves, Erik listened and jumped in on the ladies' conversation and began to flex his own neuro-muscles as he recalled dates and facts about me most men don't know: The date we met, the date we met in person, the first song we ever danced to, the day he proposed, my favorite colors, flowers, eye color, height, bra size, etc. The ladies were pretty shocked and awed. I felt like baking him a dozen cookies and doing a Superman-esque pose in my apron. I have Super-Hubby! Haha! The boys returned unaware of the onslaught they were about to face. The quizzes began immediately and as I watched the looks of panic pass over their faces I felt compassionate enough to try to save them. One mention of "buck-ninety-nine chicken nuggets and McDonald's" to the table and the pregnant lady was ready to pack up and go get food. I shuffled everyone but the two sheepish drunk boys out the door and to get them food while we picked up food and I basked in the compliments of how lucky I am and how awesome he is. I revelled quietly and when we got back we found the two curled up on the couches knocked out. We bid everyone adieu and headed home, proud and happy and puffed with pride.

<3s
Fae

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo...

I could go for a fairy-godmother right about now. A genie would work too, though I'm not much for liking the limit-on-wishes, I guess it would be okay because I really only have one right now.
I don't want him to go. Plain and simple and not very unpredictable, I know, but that's it. I keep looking at him or thinking about him when something I take for granted as routine happens and realize that they aren't going to be routine when he's not here. I don't have to wake up at 0530 when he isn't here. There will be no one to make breakfast for. There will be no one to make lunch or dinner for, and when he isn't here sure the house will be cleaner, but whose socks will I pick up or pull from between his recliner cushions? Who will drink all the milk and eat the last piece of American cheese then not tell me they did it? Who will leave the toilet seat up when I really have to pee so they when I run in, throw my pants down and sit down I fall in and scream? No one. I'll have no one to understand our special sarcasm jokes back and forth and no one to walk me down the halls when I watch something to scary and am afraid to walk from the living room to the bedroom.
And I keep crying. I'm trying really hard not to because everyone keeps telling me how its bad to cry because then he will just worry about me instead of doing what he needs to do, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I cry when Bambi's mom dies. I cry when the Beast dies even though I have watched the movie a million+ times and know he lives and they live happily ever after.
This sucks.

</3s
Fae.

The 180 I Didn't Expect...

For those of you who read this blog, you'll understand where I'm about to go with this.  For those of you who don't or haven't kept up, in order to get a little background for this blog, you'll have had to read this one.
Since before we were married and from that time forward, we've been pretty firm on waiting. Wait-wait-wait-itty-wait-wait-waiting. No rushing. The opposite of doing it now. -Waiting!- So you can imagine my surprise when in the middle of dominating the pitiful infidels on Wheel of Fortune through the TV and unbeknown to them, Erik says "I kind of want a baby."
I think my jaw may literally have hit the floor. All thought processes at that moment sort of shut down and I went slightly stupid for a moment. There may have even been drool.  After wiping my chin, picking up my jaw and assuring my tongue worked properly to form words, I asked where that had come from. Apparently the plethora of baby videos, photos and updates from all the people we know having babies or trying to have babies finally got to him like it had started doing to me. He said that the more he saw them the more he realized how much it was something he really wanted. We talked further and agreed that we still don't want to rush in and do anything immediately and waiting a little while still seems like a better idea, but neither of us would be crushed and upset if a surprise came along.
I think we've both realized in a short time how important our lives together are and how much little events mean to us and I think that though we are still just big kids we are growing into adults and prioritizing and getting our lives together on the same track to happiness. And even though we want a baby and can't wait for that when its that time, we can wait for now and know that it will happen and we will be happy.

<3s
Fae

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This...

Block leave is coming to an end. Tomorrow is the last day of all-hubby all-the-time for me and I am none-too-happy about it. I am keeping a stiff upper lip for the most part, but the other evening as we settled into bed he opened up a little about how much he will miss me and how its been hard knowing this week has had a "last meal" sort of feel to it before he has to leave. He isn't leaving for a little while yet, but block leave coming to an end makes it seem inevitably closer. Atleast we had time together, some people didn't even get that.
We've been working out together nearly every night this week too. We are trying to keep each other motivated but after doing a cake order yesterday and then cooking all day today and being out in the cold last night I'm sort of leaning away from going this evening. I'm sure I will go anyway, but I'd much rather take some medicine, curl up in a ball on the couch and watch our movies from Netflix.
As for tomorrow being the last day of leave, I intend to make him his favorite breakfast: biscuits and sausage gravy. I wanted to make him macaroni and cheese for dinner as well, but with the excellent planning on the part of his COC to put block leave -nowhere- near a payday, that won't be happening.
Hmm. It looks like I may need to play DD to him this evening since he wants to visit one of his friends for some PS3 and a few beers. Better go clean up.

<3s
Fae

Coooooooookie Crisps...

I haven't been able to stomach a bowl of cereal for breakfast in a long time. Today I ate a bowl of Cookie Crisps (actually, it's the off-brand called "Kookies!") and I have to say, they were delicious. As for the rest of the day, its been somewhat uneventful. We had almost a week with no snow and then two days of sunny 50 degree days, but this morning I awoke to 19 degrees with wind warnings and snow. Its only a little snow, but actually here I think a little snow is worse than alot. You see, when it snows alot the plows run and run and run, but when there is just a dusting they neglect to plow as much as they ought to and so we end up with slipping and accidents.
I went off post twice today to pick up some things for Claryssa-the-awesome-pet-sitter while she is out of town. On the way back I experienced my first truly fearful moment in the snow. The back road I hop on to get from where we are to one of the nearby areas faster wasn't cleared as quickly as it usually is and even though I was driving carefully and cautiously, my brakes became seemingly non-existent as I tried to stop at the intersection with the road to post. As I saw my car sliding forward and the meridian of the road I was attempting to turn onto coming closer I slowly turned the wheel all the way to the right and when I was off the ice the car began to slowly turn and stop. Luckily the traffic oncoming from either side of my car was far off so I got myself out of the middle of the road and through the gate but it was definitely a scary moment. It clarified to me that no matter how safely you drive in inclement whether, there is always a chance something could happen and so to be extra cautious and weary of other cars on the road.
As for the rest of my day, I worked magic fitting all of Claryssa's groceries into our freezer until they are back from Delaware. It was sort of like one of those wood block things you give to a toddler where they fit shapes into holes. Or like Perfection! Anyone remember that game? Oh man. I sort of want to Amazon or Ebay that now. Haha! That game will wreck your nerves...Anyway! Everything fit and that is what counts!
I'm off to do my hair and prepare for dinner out with a few people.

<3s
Fae

When Leave Means Leaving...

This week is our Pre-D leave. Its the time when all the guys in hubby's unit get the opportunity to spend time with their families. Its a really nice idea but at the same time, its a sobering one. This leave time cements the knowledge that he will have to go soon. I don't like the idea. I know, like he knows, that he could easily get himself put on profile and not have to go, but he doesn't want that. He wants to do what he signed up to do. He feels a moral obligation not only to his country, but to his fellow soldiers and himself to do what is right. No matter how much I will miss him, I support that decision. I love him and I have faith in him that he will come back to me and I have faith in God that he won't take my husband from me.
I will admit, though, that with everyone else I know sending their husbands off to the less dangerous areas I get angry and jealous. I call my mom when I have these feelings because she lets me scream and cry into the phone and doesn't judge me. She and Dad just let me talk. It isn't fair, to me. I can't wrap my head around why it is that my husband has to go to the fronts where they are clearing and building. Why can't he go to the "police action" or to the bases that are already established? Why? Because the Army said so. I'm adapting as best I can to that fact. When the Army says it, it is what it is. I can't call up his Chain of Command and scream and cry. I can't ruin his career and be that wife, so instead I stay here, I support him and I do my best to stay strong for him and for me.
I can do this.
We can do this.

<3s
Fae

All I Have to Do Is Dream...

Dreaming is something that appears to puzzle scientists. We are constantly doing research on sleep as well as how dreams effect our sleep. For instance, recently a group of scientists performed an experiment wherein just upon entering REM (the deepest period of sleep and also when you dream) a group of subjects was jolted back into a regular sleep and not allowed to enter REM over a period of about 2 weeks. The students became increasingly agitated, irritable, could not concentrate, began to hallucinate and once they were finally allowed to enter sleep their body over-compensated and they entered REM much more easily and remained in it longer.
It's clear, then, that we need to dream, and almost all of us do dream on a regular basis but the difference is that most of us forget our dreams upon waking or very shortly after. A study showed that within 5 minutes of waking 50% of dream recollection has diminished and at 10 minutes the number grows to 90%.
For myself, I know that I tend to sleep well unless stressed and lately, even with stress, I have managed to put myself at ease and sleep very well. I have, however, been having increased dreams and recollection. I've have three dreams in two weeks about being pregnant and being very upset about it. I've had a handful of dreams about high school and people I knew then, a few here and there about an ex boyfriend harassing myself and Erik and trying to cause dissension between us and then of course the random dreams that make no sense but when I wake up they make me laugh and wonder what sort of subconscious message they were trying to convey.
Some of them, especially the abstract ones, I look up online. I see what people think they mean or what the symbolism might be saying about how I am feeling.  For instance, the pregnancy test in my dream supposedly represents being presented with a new challenge or goal and fear of failure and being pregnant represents something similar. In a way I could say that is true. There are many new challenges before me in the near future. I'm taking more classes, I'm volunteering, I've taken a roll as a key caller, I'm going through my first Big D. That's alot to think about I guess, or maybe its nothing more than the fact that everyone around me either just had or is having a child and I don't want to yet and am afraid that the whole "when one woman starts having babies everyone else follows suit" thing will come true and I'll have a baby before I'm prepared.
Regardless, the extra sleep is always appreciated even if I do feel trapped in a cartoon-like world of random-ness and irony each night.

<3s
Fae

Strong Bonds, Block Leave and Gearing Up...

I've been busy, so posting has been minimal which I am sure is obvious. Hubby and I dove into February head first and its been a bit of a whirlwind. His battalian managed a last minute booking of a resort in Vermont for a Strong Bonds retreat. For those who don't know, Strong Bonds retreats are little seminars where the chaplains of a battalion arrange for the Army to pay for a certain number of soldiers and family members to go away from base for a few days and spend time in a resort. Mandatory classes occupy a few hours of the days but then the rest of the time you are free to relax and explore the areas and the attractions.
Erik and I missed the first go-round so he jumped up and was first in line to jot our names down for this one. We found out the next week we'd be leaving that weekend so we rushed to find a puppy-sitter (Thank you, Claryssa!) and then packed up.
Our original intent was to ride the bus with the single soldiers attending, but when we realized that meant we would either have to catch a cab or car pool to attractions in the area we opted for the drive. We both hate driving distances, but pleasantly the drive was much shorter than estimated and was a relaxing drive. I will, however, admit that driving over all the bridges through Lake Champlain and seeing people ice fishing puzzles me. I understand ice fishing is nothing new and people have been doing it a long time, but why in the world would you go out into the middle of a body of water, knowing that below the ice you are standing on is water. Then of course, you cut a giant hole in said ice. First of all, if you fall in, you are most likely going to get stuck under the ice and be unable to escape. However, if by some miracle you make it out, you'll probably die from hypothermia anyway! Go to the store, buy some fish, and wait for spring and summer to actually do the fishing! Moving on... Once we arrived we checked in and got set up in the hotel. It was gorgeous. It had an indoor/outdoor theme so someplaces indoors looked as if you were outdoors and areas that were outdoors flowed smoothly into the indoors. The hotel also has two restaurants, both with mediocre food that was overpriced but that's sort of what I expected anyway. My martini was good, I'll give them that! Our buffet-style set up at the classes themselves was good as well, for the most part, though the chicken was extremely bland and dry. We enjoyed our classes and spending time with others in our battalion and we took a few excursions into the area. We visited the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory and the original Ben and Jerry's Factory as well as a quiet dinner in downtown Burlington wherein our waitress was a snotty brat and I happily informed her manager and hostess of this fact and left as soon as our food arrived. After the trip, Erik and I hopped the ferry back across the lake and found that trip, although more scenic, to be shorter. Everyone had avoided the route we took home under rumors of the roads being closed for winter, but clearly not seeing as we both arrived home a little before everyone else!
As for following our weekend together, we picked up our pup, arrived home and spent Sunday lazing around the house doing absolutely nothing but watch television and talk. The upcoming weekend is dear hubby's week of block leave but our plans to go to Tennessee have been canceled so instead we will be enjoying home together and making the best of canceled plans. With all of the Pre-D gearing up he has to do and all of this inspections we've had to put out alot more than we take in, so thank God for our income tax refund.
I'd better take out the trash and get a coat and shoes together now. I'm off in about an hour with my friend, the wonderful pet-sitter, Claryssa, to interview her midwife. I've continued to spread the baby bug! Haha!

<3s
Fae

Oh Baby Baby, Baby Baby!

What is it exactly about that four letter B word that makes men cringe? Why is it that one day late on our menstrual cycle and our men start turning green and looking like they are about to lose their lunch?
In history, men killed for children. Literally. King Henry VIII had wives divorced, beheaded, excommunicated his entire country from the Catholic church, and for what? For a male heir. So why is it then that nowadays the idea of a child sends men running?
I am, by no means, in a rush to have children. I think they are beautiful and a blessing, but I'm not ready to stop playing video games and doing whatever I want with m husband when I want yet either, but at the same time I can sit back, relax and think about when I am ready and look forward to it.
Not hubby though. I bring it up and he looks ill and terrified and explains to me how not ready he is. He says he knows we'll make beautiful babies but he doesn't think he's going to be ready for a long time. He then proceeds to explain to me how as a man it was ingrained into him that having kids ruins everything and it means your life as a free man is over and there is no fun or good times for you once you have a child.
I understand that he wants to be a father someday, but its hard to not take it personally when he acts like the idea is just so absurd and nauseating. I mean, what if we had a "happy surprise?" Clearly it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I mean, if all of you gentlemen in the world want to abstain from children so badly then I suggest you abstain from the process too. How's that sound?

<3s
Fae

Ah, The Happy Home-maker!

Up at 7:00AM, out of bed and feeding the dog, letting her outside, give her her Milkbones, unload the dishwasher, eat a donut, check the email & Facebook, check the finances, thaw ingredients for Super Bowl party food, package cell phones to send to dad, get dressed, run to the post office, come home and tend to the hubby ;), feed him a donut and set him up for his relax day, vacuum the floors and furniture, shake the rugs, sweep, mop all the floors including the common area that the neighbor insists on tracking mud through and never cleaning, scrub counters and tables, put breakables away and hide the white tablecloth, get out all the ingredients that are now thawed and ready to go, start pizza dough in the bread maker, get a call from mom, get on Skype with mom and family, find out my Skype is out of date, download Skype and install, video conference through Skype with family, realize I need to eat so I make a sandwich roll, continue Skyping and eating but feel ill so feed Erik the sandwich roll, beep beep beep dough is done, start second batch of dough and explain that I'd love to continue Skyping but I actually do have to go, bake carrot cake, talk to mom on the phone about Skype, pizza dough and cake of course finish simultaneously, grab both and cake is a little over done, curse under breath and add pizza dough to other pizza dough which, though in the refrigerator, is still rising for some reason, heat pan and brown pork for egg rolls, add veggies and seasonings and finish the filling then stuff wrappers and seal to bake tomorrow, take stubborn and slightly over-baked cake out of pans and fill and ice, mix up green and yellow frostings for decorating while staining my hands (of course,) finish cake, clean kitchen, talk to mom again, check email, check Facebook, write blog, SLEEP.

I'm so tired.

<3s

Fae

Five dollar, five dollar, five dollar foot long...

Happy Februany, everyone! Yes. That's right. I'm celebrating Subway's marketing campaign because I am a self-confessed Subway-holic. Yesterday was pretty laid back and easy going. Even though myself and Drum-Heather (Heather from Fort Drum shall from now on be known as Drum-Heather and my best friend Heather shall now be known as BFF-Heather to differentiate more easily) were planning our Super Bowl get-together. I don't want to use the term "party" because "party" to me infers loudness, obscenities, drinking and me being annoyed. If I call it a "get-together" I can convince myself that it isn't going to be ridiculous. Thankfully, since we aren't inviting too many people, it shouldn't be bad anyway, especially since all but one of the invited are a married couple. As we planned, we battled the commissary days before the Super Bowl. That was an adventure. I'm not sure I have ever seen the shelves so bear at the commissary, even at Thanksgiving. And they were out of all but one package of bok choy. Really? Really? Of all the things they'd run low on, that wasn't really at the top of my guesses. Regardless, I got what I needed and so did she and then I remembered Februany and so we ventured to the PX for sandwiches. We ended up chatting far longer than I expected. I think my desperation for human contact became clear yesterday. I got to sit for hours and just talk to another human being face to face and for the first time in a long time I didn't worry about being destitute and alone while Erik plays in the sand box with the other big boys. I also picked up his Valentine's day present while we were there. He's been asking for what I bought for a little while, sort of off-handedly just mentioning it here and there, and I decided it would be perfect for him. All I want from him is flowers, and I hope he gets that hint. I want to go out on a date and I want flowers. That's it. Nothing else. I don't think that's too hard, but I could be wrong. Guys over-think things.
Anyway, we finished up and I went to drop her off at her place and we ended up chatting for a couple more hours before I went home and gave Erik his sandwich and unloaded groceries.
He's been very very tired lately. At the beginning of the month we were told we'd be getting more family time and that it was going to be a big focus for us because of the Big D coming up and so the guys are supposed to be home as close to 1500 as possible, but with a few guys unable to get their acts straight, the entire platoon suffers and now 1700 formations mean less time together, especially on top of 0550 morning formations. It's long days and short nights for us, but we're making the best of it and trying our best. Any time with him is better than nothing. I love him, and five minutes with him is worth the world to me, so I'll take what I can get while I can get it.
Anyways, I'm off to start some food preparation while I can for the party, and then I'm going to try my hand at some calamari for Erik and I this evening.

<3s
Fae

Hello Hurricane...

One a sidenote: I love Switchfoot.

Okay, back on topic now. Today was our pre-deployment brief. It's like this thing is being shoved in my face everyday. I know it's real, I never doubted that for a moment, but it isn't getting any easier. I passed the "just get it over with" stage and now we've entered the cling stage. We do everything we can together. He's being supportive. I think he gets that this is probably going to be the hardest thing in my life. He's encouraging me to make friends so that I will have some people to be around during it. I went to a party and made a few, as well as enjoy spending time with his friend, another medic's, wife.
We've also stopped the denial. We're being adults and discussing real possibilities and options now. He even asked me if I wanted to move home. We discussed it rationally and that it was a real possibility that I'd have to work out and come home a few months early but it was a possibility.  I can't do it though. This is our home.  I don't want to leave our home behind. This is our house and its full of Erik. Everything I look at reminds me of him, and so I don't want to go to an empty house with no memories because even though I know these memories at time will bring sadness, I know that at other times they will remind me of him and I'll feel closer to him. 
I have a lot of nightmares lately though. In fact, ever since the real date was announced I've been having them. Not every night, but enough that I know it must be stress. Two of them have been nightmares of him coming home from deployment and asking me for a divorce. In the first one I woke up after that, but in the most recent one I could feel the real pain in my heart and I felt myself crumbling away in the dream. Too many women have been posting these sorts of issues on Facebook groups I'm in. They keep briefing us on it at ACS and on how the men change and get depressed and it isn't so much that they don't want to be with you, but that they don't want to go through the heartache of loving someone and being away from them. Erik and I know better. I truly believe that. The pain is worth it to be their for each other at each reunion. He knows I'll always be hear waiting faithfully and loving him and trying my best to be the best wife I can be and the best warrior on his homefront.
This too shall pass.

<3s
Fae

Tax Refunds, More Certificates and A Booming Business!

Okay, so maybe not "booming" but it is definitely making quiet popping sizzling noises. Haha! I have my first order and someone interested in making the second! Whee! I'm so excited. I did the happy dance. (For more on the happy dance, see this video and skip to around :31)  We got our tax refund so I am using a small (very small) portion to buy a few things I'll need such as business cards (free through vistaprint.com,)  labels (cheap through the same site,) boxes and cakeboards (countrykitchensa.com.)
I also did some more classes, graduated them and now I have four shiny certificates from the Department of the Army. Go me! Erik also got one for Trauma Training that I intend to frame with his others in the hallway. Soon We'll have a whole hallway of his certificates!
Yesterday I attended a Dove Chocolatier Party hosted by a friend I recently made. Her name is Heather Elliot and she reminds me alot of my BFF Heather. I'm going to make sure I introduce them when she comes up to visit. Besides, I think I'll host one of her parties when everyone is here.
I apologize again for the sketchy mess posting as of late, I'm battling what my dear hubby believes is a sinus infection with a possible upper respiratory infection tacked on with it. Once I'm more coherent I promise to make better posts again. Until then...

<3s
Fae

You Can Never Know Too Much...

I feel like a sponge, lately, soaking up everything around me. I soaked up Erik's cold. (Not quite happy about that one.) I soak up the dishes and the laundry, I soak up the things I hear people say (unintentionally, actually, not because I'm eavesdropping) and I soak up all this knowledge I am getting in my classes.
Yesterday was the last day of AFTB Level 2. It was a little more in depth into traditions and team building and things like that. I really liked it. Some of it was a little elementary, but I think that's sort of their as a reminder for most of us and a quick lesson for those who have never had it before.
I also had an FRG meeting that went really well. It was nice to know more of the specifics of what will be happening when the dreaded D-word is finally here. I feel like alot of the questions I really needed answered have been covered.
The hardest part of the last few days was the explanation of casualty notification and the process. I think that is when all this being a reality finally wound up and punched me in the stomach. I started crying in the middle of my class and had to excuse myself. When I came home and explained to Erik that I needed to talk because I had cried in front of a room full of people I think he finally realized we couldn't keep putting off the discussion, and so he sat down with me and we figured out alot of things.
This is a short post, and I apologize for that, but I still feel like poo because of this cold.

<3s
Fae

Why Can't We Be Friends...

When you are a child in school, making friends is as easy as borrowing crayons, playing on the same slide or sitting next to each other in class. From elementary school through your senior year of high school you develop friendships easily because you see the same people on a day to day basis, you are all doing many of the same activities and share the similar bond of adolescence. The same can not be said for adulthood.
As an adult, all of your innocent, youthful confidence seems to seep away into the unknown and you are left with nervousness, shyness and doubt in yourself. You begin to question whether people like you, would want to know you and whether or not you're being "that person." You know the one I mean, the one who creeps you out with their clingy need to be friends. The one you'd like to grab by the ankle and tug away so their head isn't always stuffed up your rear end.
It's hard to make friends as an adult. We have responsibilities and agendas that lead us to believe we are too busy to be a good friend or that others are too busy for us. What we forget, however, is that we all need friends.  Each of us needs companionship to get through hard times. Your family can attribute to some of your friendship quota, but your spouse and family can only do so much.
With the impending D-word ahead for Erik and I, my need to make friends is ever more apparent to me. Heather/Vchanny will always be my best friend but with the two of us being military spouses the inevitability of being stationed apart from one another was something we knew we would have to fave eventually, I just don't think we realized it would be so soon. Regardless, with her 18 hours away I need to put myself out there and try to make bonds here as well so that I when Erik does return he doesn't find me rocking in a corner singing "I'm a Little Teapot" to myself and wondering why the dog is starving.
Okay, so that is a bit of an exaggeration, but in all seriousness I am making some effort as well as what would appear to be a little headway. I had a minor set back in December where the friend I had though I had made mysteriously cut all contact betwixt herself and Erik and I, with no explanation,  might I add. I chalk that up to experience and choose to move on and know that clearly I need to be more selective.
I think that taking these classes is helping because I am meeting people at them, and though perhaps I may not be buddies with the people I meet I am at least becoming more social and trying to be less apprehensive about striking up conversations.
In myself, I see alot of doubt. I see myself asking: Am I annoying? Am I being too friendly? Am I talking too much? But at the same time, this is me. I am being me. I am not a rude person, I am sarcastic and cynical, but I can also be fun and cheerful. I can be helpful and help to put a smile one someone's face. If I have to change who I am, why should I want to be someone's friend?
Making friends as an adult would be much easier if we all carried around crayon boxes to share.

<3s
Fae

The Real Real Housewives...

We get such a bad rep, we really do. And to be honest, when you think of the extremes of what a lot of army wives have done, you can't really blame people for assuming things about us. But I do. We are not all the same. We do not all spend crazy amounts of money while our husbands are gone. We do not all sit around eating bon-bons. Most of the wives I know work or have worked or, like myself, their husbands like the time together with their wives not working.
Before Erik and I were ever married we talked about working and educations and all these things. Erik wasn't in the army when we met or got married, as anyone who has read my first few blogs will know. That decision came after. But even before the military was a part of our lives, we knew that at some point when we could afford it financially we would be careful not to over-extend ourselves financially so that Erik could work and I could stay home and clean and pay bills do the shopping and the cooking. This way, in addition, when we had kids I wouldn't go from working full time to being home full-time, I'd already be used to it. This is something we both want and it works for us. Does it work for everyone? No. Does everyone want it to work for them? No. But why is our choice for me to stay at home so wrong to so many of you? Is it because you're a women's liberator who wants to come liberate me and burn my bra? No thanks. Not unless you intend to come carry my boobs around for me all day so my back doesn't kill me.
Is it because you want to do the same but can't? I learned in economics in high school how to function as a family on one income. Then, at eighteen, a boss I had when I worked for a certain orange cell phone company as customer service told me that he and his wife were the same way and wanted the same things and had been living successfully with four children on one income their entire marriage because they did not buy things they could not afford and limited themselves to one credit card for emergencies only. Even then they only used it if they did not have what they needed in savings to cover the emergency. That's right. They had a savings account on one income too. It isn't hard. You just have to be careful.
My parents raised seven children on one income and they weren't rich by far or "livin' it up" but they got by and did just fine.
My best friend and her husband manage it just like we do. She used to work full time and the extra money was great I'm sure, but I bet it's even better being able to be home and watch their first child grow up and know he's not stuck in some day care all day every day.
My husband is my best friend and I am his. I love him and I care for him. He adores the fact that each day I make him breakfast on his hygiene hour, lunch on his lunch break and dinner when he is home. Between those times, I clean our house, I budget, I run errands. I make him proud of me just like I am proud of him.
I may not get a paycheck but I have a job, and it is one I wouldn't trade for the world.

<3s

Fae

Nostalgia, Books, Crannies & Nooks...

Yeah, I rhyme. All the time.
Okay, okay. Enough being lame. I was watching The Ernest Green Story yesterday on television. This movie was released in 1993 as a made-for-TV movie and I remember watching it then as a five year old (yes, my love for documentaries has actually been alive in me for that long) and not really grasping the full reality of the movie. I understood the gist of it. A group of people were being introduced to a new school where they weren't wanted and were treated badly. I remember guns and bayonets and I remembered one of the girls being thrown down stairs.  Watching it again yesterday, I was truly awed at just how severely people were treated and it put me into a state of awe and ponderance.  How can human beings hate, with every fiber of their being, an entire group of people based on something so ridiculous as a physical attribute? How can we look at a group of people and see them all the same? When I look at a group, I see the individuals. I see them for their spirit, their merit, their moral fiber and their love of humanity. I see how they treat people and even if they don't deserve it, to a point, I try to treat them kindly. I am amazed at the strength of everyone who came through that time period in our country and rose above it. I know that in some ways in some places their is still alot of reasonless hate but nothing comparable to that time of tension.
After the movie, Erik and I were watching our nightly dose of game shows (Jeopardy & Wheel of Fortune every night) the doorbell rang. My package of books from Military One Source arrived. For those who don't know, you can get 10 free books from them per calendar year and they are awesome. A lot are self help or non-fiction books but they also offer a selection of fiction. We tucked ourselves into bed once our shows were over because I knew today was going to be a day of cleaning. With the upcoming visit of my friend, Yuri, I felt the need to get everything cleaned up a little early.
Off to test my knowledge skills with some Jeopardy!

<3s
Fae

All The World's A Show...

And I think sometimes I play the comic relief. 
Yesterday was eventful. I managed to drop, knock over, spill or injure everyone and thing that came into contact with me. My intention was to cram my cleaning into one day (that being yesterday) so that I could spend the last day of Erik's DONSA weekend with him. (For anyone who isn't aware, DONSA = Day Of No Scheduled Activities.) However, after realizing that I was probably going to kill myself in a massive accident of epic proportions if I continued handling the knives in the dishwasher or mopped floors and then walked on them, I decided to hide and do nothing of the sort and instead spent the day between my computer and the couch. I was much safer in the long room and escaped the day with nothing more than a stingy, itchy cut on the back of my hand...which I don't recall getting and thus am unsure how or where I got it, but none-the-less, I survived.
Today after seeming a bit less accident-prone I decided to start some of the cleaning. I knocked out laundry & the kitchen and got rid of the clutter, which are the three things that drive me the most batty. Tomorrow I intend to do the bathroom and the floors and nag Erik until he picks up his cluttered man room so I don't feel embarrassed and leave the door closed the entire time we have company.
There's a clear difference in wiring in men and women. Men see clutter and think "But atleast I can see where everything is," whereas we women see clutter and think "Ah! I can see where everything is! No! Put it away!"  Obviously the statement appears similar, but to a man it's a simple easy way to lay all of your crap out and with a woman we think to ourselves that everything should go somewhere and not be obviously lying around for others to see. An example:  We have one dresser between the two of us, so most of our clothes are folded outside the dresser piles on the floor. However, I refuse to let our underwear and socks be outside of the dresser. Now, for Erik, as a man, his logic is as follows: I am a man. I wear underwear. Everyone wears underwear and everyone knows that everyone wears underwear, so if anyone sees my underwear why does it matter since they know I wear underwear anyway?  Though I see his point, my brain, as a woman, sees the situation in a completely different light: Who cares if everyone wears underwear and knows I wear underwear? That doesn't man I want them to see my underwear or know what it looks like!
So really, I guess it's the same for everything else. Sure, I could leave out our dvds, our games, our books, our plates and dishes and people would know that clearly, we all use these things, but why do I want them to look at it and see it all out? Besides, as women especially, we tend to judge what we see and remember it clearly. This brings me to the whole military ball thing: Erik doesn't understand that if there is a ball every year that you can't wear the same dress two years in a row. The first year you wear it, every woman in the room will look at you, whether in her head or out loud will judge your dress and you for wearing it and the image will be seared into her memory the next year. Not so well that she'd be able to recall each seam to a police sketch artist, but most definitely clear enough to recall that you made the serious faux pas of wearing the same dress twice. The fact is that, intended or not, it is our nature. We are a catty, territorial breed. We judge and we comment.  This is why we clean before company visits even if we are already tidy to begin with. This is why we buy new dresses for each big occasion.  This is why men will never understand. God Bless them for trying, though.

<3s
Fae 

They Learned Me Good. Uh-hyuck...

(For those who didn't get the Uh-hyuck, by the way, watch about the first 10 seconds.)

Moving along, good evening, all! I am quite tired this lovely and frigid evening. Its about 9° outside with a windchill of oh-my-gosh-I-can't-feel-my-fingers. I'm sitting at the computer contemplating taking a few (dozen) acetaminophen so that the aching in all my joints ceases...or I knock out for a few days, you know, whatever comes first. This weather across the US the last week is insane. I mean, here in the North Country it's normal and to be expected, but it is most definitely not supposed to be snowing in every other state. When Southern California gets snow, something is wrong. Global warming, Al Gore? Try global freezing-my-butt-off. Where's an aerosol can when I need it?
I've been taking a ton of classes at ACS, which I know I mentioned last post. I'm really enjoying them. Even today through the brief emotional moment discussing deployments, I felt much better and more educated. So, obviously, I took the logical next step: Signed up for four more classes! Woo! If I don't know almost everything there is to know after this, I'll at least feel like I do, right? Ha. Boost to my knowledgeable ego.
Speaking of that dreaded D-word again, Erik has been extra affectionate and easily downcast. This is not something I am used to. I don't mean to say that my husband is not affectionate to begin with, quite the contrary actually. Most people think we're mushy and silly. But this is random, long, soft hugs. It's sweet but it makes me a little sad when I see him sad or when he remembers he won't be here for something. (Today he realized he wouldn't be here for Heather's visit. He was looking forward to helping us make invitations for Carter's first birthday.) I love that I have a husband with a big heart. He's sentimental and loving and caring and I am spoiled and I know it.
His team is in the play-offs this year. I'm hoping they make it to the super bowl. We're going to go to his friend's house to watch the game this Saturday and I'm considering making him a Green Bay Packers cake for either this game, or waiting until Super Bowl if they make it and making it then. I know he'll appreciate it and it will give me a chance to try out my new decorating toys...Squee!
The cold is getting worse in here next to the window on the carpet-less floor, so I think I'm headed back to the couch to double up on blankets, chit chat with my dear hubby and probably, inevitably, fall asleep for the evening.

<3s
Fae

Good Morning, America. How Are You?

A song being stuck in my head always seems to be a great way to start off a blog post. I'm in a random sort of rant-y mood today, so bear with me and I'll try to keep it short.
I took two days of Army Family Team Building classes this week. For those who may not know, AFTB classes are designed with the purpose to better educate military families and soldiers (who get promotion points for them, FYI) about the military, customs, abbreviations, purposes and other things. There are three knowledge classes and a fourth class if you'd like to be certified to teach the courses within the classes. I graduated class level one yesterday. I was quite happy to see a certificate with my name on it! It's been a while since I did something for myself like that just to learn and feel productive. I'm also signed up for class levels two and three as well as Key Caller classes one and two. (A Key Caller works for the Family Readiness Group as a go between and point of contact between the FRG leader and the members.) I think if I can continue to take classes and enjoy it, I may like to teach an AFTB class or work at ACS. (Army Community Services)
Moving on, not this coming weekend, but next weekend I believe, my friend Yuri is supposed to be visiting. (She's the one who drew the lovely lady you can see to the left of the blog in the background.) Anyway, she's one of my best friends from high school. (She, Heather and I are very close, as is Amber even though Amber and Yuri try to kill each other sometimes. Haha!) I'm looking forward to a visit from her. Heather is scheduled to visit sometime after the dreaded D word  begins, and though I initially asked that it be right after he leaves, I am reconsidering and wondering if maybe I should see if she'll come around my anniversary so that I won't have to be alone on it. I am hoping to maybe, if I don't make it into the phlebotomy program (*crossing fingers*,) that I'll be able to go down for a while in May-June to Tennessee for Amber's wedding, Carter-buggy's first birthday, and a little visit with my mom and dad. Ideal circumstances, are hard to come by though so I'm not holding my breath.
Speaking of ideal circumstances, I wish I could get some sort of guarantee Erik will be able to get leave in October around the time of John and Beth's wedding. It's tricky to plan what I'm doing when I don't know when he'll be home. If he's home that week but we didn't have enough time ahead to get him on the cruise, neither of us will be going because I'm not going on a cruise while my husband is here. At the same time, if we know ahead of time he'll be home during that time period I'll have to scramble to get a ticket and separate room for us both. What a pain in the butt!
I wish I could just write him a note.

Dear Army,
     Regretfully, I must inform you that Erik is not feeling well, so alas, I have decided to keep him home for the next twelve or thirteen months. This, as I am sure you have perceived, means he will not be able to go play in the sandbox with the other boys. My sincerest apologies. Do take care!
<3s
Fae 

Spaghetti Sauce Does Not Go On Waffles...

The title of this blog is a reference to a pre-marital counseling session Erik and I did. Its a book and dvd course put out by a ministry couple (that I am too lazy at this moment to look up but I will link at the end of the blog through amazon) called Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. To skip a bunch of in-between stuff, the main premise is that men, like waffles, organize their thoughts into boxes and like syrup, once they're in that box, they are stuck in it. Women, on the other hand, are like spaghetti. The sauce flows all over and can touch all the noodles and all the noodles wind around the plate and connect to each other, so our thoughts often connect to a million different places.
I say all this because: All this week nearly every email I have gotten from the FRG has contained a reminder that the winter formal for Erik's unit is going to be Feb 12th. When this was announced at the beginning of December I was mildly excited because I didn't know if Erik would want to go, I tossed the idea to him, he didn't object and said we would have to get his Class A's fixed first. I agreed and then allowed myself to get excited. Clearly the class A's needing fixed comment meant it was okay to go. I start looking at dresses, I ask him what he likes and doesn't like, he gives comments here and there. Then I notice on New Year's Eve he's a little agitated when I ask him about a dress. Later I ask him point blank: Do you even want to go?  "No."
See, apparently he was in a "Class A's need fixed" box and didn't realize I'd taken that with my spaghetti and run with it. So now, when I get grumpy or upset we're not going, I end up doing the typical woman thing (which I truly do try not to do) and get quiet and try to get un-upset about it but his timing is impeccable and he walks in right at that moment and asks me whats wrong.
I get that its a dance, which is not a guy thing. I get that it means getting all dressed up, which is definitely not a guy thing either, but I think for me its a chance to go out to something nice with my husband before he deploys later. I wanted it to be our last thing before deployment together and a way to celebrate Valentine's day, and I get that being in his class A's with guys from work may not be the ideal way to spend it, and I am trying to empathize, but I still can't help feeling a little let down each time my FRG drives it home that I volunteered to help and to come to things and my FRG leader, with whom I am much better aquainted now since I am going to be a Key caller, personally asked me if we were coming and I said "We plan to."
Oh wells. I'll get over it, I know it is silly, I guess I just needed to vent.

<3s
Fae

Skinnamarinky Dinky Dink, Skinnamarinky Doo, I Love You...

There's a new car commercial on TV where some dad is de-mommifying his car by removing all the baby-oriented things from it to hit the town with his male friends for the evening. They hit the road and he turns the radio on and the theme (words of which are used as the title of my blog today) to The Elephant Show plays. Any of my older brothers and sisters will vouch for me when I say that I know all the words to this song because as a child I probably saw every single episode of the show. Twice. And they were there (forcibly) to enjoy it with me. Ah, nostalgia.
On with the day. Today I did, well, not much. The dishes in the dishwasher are clean now and there is a pound of homemade peanut butter stored safely in the refrigerator for my dear hubby to enjoy at his leisure, but other than that, I've decided to be lazy. Partly because I'm in a state of melancholy dreading that blasted "D" word again and partly because my menstrual cycle is around the corner and my back and pelvis feel like someone is running them through an old hand-washer and wringer. Pleasant, hmm? Thanks for that, by the way, Eve. Good job eating the apple. Had it not been for you, I'd be free of this pain and the pain of child birth. All the other fruit in the garden and you picked the one that not only isn't even that tasty but the one God specifically said "Hey, don't eat this" about.
My hubby picks on me, lovingly and jokingly, and asks if my cramps are really as bad as I say. All the women on my side of the family will attest to the fact that our cramps are especially bad. It might have something to do with all the feminine reproductive issues on our side of the family, or maybe somewhere in our lineage someone ticked off a gypsy and we're cursed for the rest of our days. Anyway, his jokes and prods are in love, but it makes me wonder how men would truthfully handle an entire week of feeling like their insides are tied in knots, bleeding heavily from the same place they pee, not being able to enjoy sex and being over emotional and on the verge of tears at any moment. Can you imagine Peyton Manning bursting into tears over a bad play? That wouldn't go over well.
I'm off to hide under a blanket on the couch with the dog and watch Jeopardy.

<3s
Fae