Sorry for the impromptu hiatus. I has my tonsils out, then healed up, got my divorce finalized and then went to my cousin's wedding. I'm home now, with the flu, it appears. I took medicine last night before bed and now I'm regretting it, as I had sleep deep enough to dream, and the dream was not an enjoyable one.
For those who do not know, someone very dear to me was murdered April 28, 2012. His name is Taylor, and he called me his sister and I called him my brother. According to the police officers who came and retrieved me from my sister's home the morning of the 29th, and took me to the precinct to sit me down and tell me what happened, I am the last person Taylor texted that night. To know I am the last person Taylor cared about that he spoke to still eats away at me. To know the things we said that night that others won't know and to know I had the feeling I should say some things I had never said, but did not know why...I'm thankful I said them, but I still will always wonder what he thought. He was on his way to come and see me and another person at the bar we frequented when he, being the generous man he was, offered a ride to the wrong people. They took his gun from him, shot him and left him to die alone in his car on a secluded corner.
As I fell asleep last night, I thought of Taylor as I had just spoken with his mother...and then the dream started. The dream was vivid. Full of color. I can see Taylor's smile in it like it was any day I'd seen him make that big goofy smile...I'd somehow stumbled upon some sort of Time Control mechanism and I could replay days to try to alter them. For some reason, the last day with Taylor would progress differently each time. Never the same, none the way that day had actually happened. But each time the day played through, it would come down to that final hour and no matter how I tried to change what happened, I could not save Taylor. I couldn't stop what happened to him no matter how the day passed by. Multiple times I'd restart the day with the device, but it would end with the knock at the door to tell me he was gone. Or worse, one time when it replayed, I found him and saw him in his final moments.
I have had dreams about Taylor since he passed, but just short flashes of his smile. Short moments of him passing through. Nothing like this. Nothing so vivid or so heart-wrenching. The final time I replayed the day, I finally must have grown to know I wouldn't be able to stop what happened, and so I placed myself there to be with him so he wasn't alone. I held onto him as the moments passed away slowly, and I saw him smile the final time.
I woke up to the sound of a text message that jerked me out of the dream, wiped the still-hot tears from my face and laid in bed for a while.
I know I have blamed myself repeatedly for not insisting Taylor go out with us that night.
I have blamed myself for not just staying at the apartment with him.
I have blamed myself multiple ways for not somehow stopping what happened.
Maybe this dream was God's way of reminding me that I couldn't have stopped it because it was supposed to happen this way...
I'll ask Taylor when I see him again.
ILY&IMY, TB. Never forgotten.
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